Saturday, February 28, 2009

Beware the GSM crops

An old lady friend of mine and I were talking the other day and she, a great source of distorted facts and half-heard stories was voicing her concerns about 'GSM' crops and the possible 'threat of them spreading to mutate with the natives.'

I have to say that up to this point I was not concerned about the genetically modified (GM) crops currently being developed but I did see the dangers arising if the crops were able to communicate with each other over the GSM cell network. That's a much more serious issue and one that needs investigated.

It does bring to mind a 'War of the Wolds' scenario with mindless faceless cereal killers roaming the streets of rural 'wherever' looking for natives to mutate with. I could understand her fears but re-assured her that she would be safe by the seashore, at least, because plants don't like salt, with a few hardy exceptions. That's why you cannot put salt on cornflakes for fear of unbalancing nature and making your partner gag or laugh hysterically. The exception to this rule is, oats and porridge, which benefits from a cheeky wee pinch now and then, just like the folks that eat it.

So beware of the GSM crops. It would also explain why you can never get a phone signal when out in the country. I am not sure if, when in a 'crop circle' you can share the same telecom account or have to have individual ones. Your local Telecoms shop will be able to advise you here and if he is the one selling the crops all these accounts, it would also explain why he's making so much freakin' money. So give his Ferrari a good dunt when you pass it.

Be assured the one way to stop the onslaught of the GSM crops is to put them onto a roaming tariff and the whole 'taking over the planet, mutating' thing will just become unaffordable and go away.

My friend has now taken to wearing a hat made of aluminium foil when out walking in the country, just in case. It goes quite well with the aluminium bicycle clips she wears to stop the GSM bees from flying up her trouser legs. Personally I like the gentle humming ringtones of the bee's, the engaged tone of the trees and the speed dial sound of the rabbits. Communing with nature, put it on your list of family and friends this weekend.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Film and chips

It is reputed that the last time David Beckham was in Glasgow he went into the prize winning chippie called Cod's Place. A refurbished church in the affluent west end.

The chippie asked for Beck's order and he said 'Can I have a copy of Titanic?' The chippie said 'This is a chip shop we don't do DVDs! What do you want? Becks replied 'Well, can I have Shrek 3?' 'Look I've told you already, this is a chip shop so stop muckin' about and order something' says the chippie again.

'Ok, OK !' says Becks 'Give me a portion of chips and A Fish Called Wanda!'

Friday, February 6, 2009

Howling guitars

Monday, February 2, 2009

Moral constipation - Take the cure

For the morally constipated Marc D. Hauser has written a marvellous book 'Moral Minds'. So full of moral fibre, that its guaranteed to move you in so many ways.

It raises lots of moral dilemmas, most of which are thankfully theoretical. One such question is whether it is (morally) acceptable to dismantle a good working, functioning human being and take its valuable body parts to repair 5 or 6 other humans that are not so 'fortunate'. If you had some issues with visiting sick relatives and friends in hospitals before, this question will not cheer you up in any way.

I have to say that I don't know any sane IT /PC engineer /geek that would consider doing this to a working PC, unless it was someone elses, of course or they were only following a direct order from her manager. Car mechanics do this all the time, without qualms. They are completely quamless! Sometimes they have the help of welding torches to complete this task (see my blog on Death Trap III). Sometimes they just sell you used parts as new ones. The most dedicated of them will buy /recover a used part and charge you for a new part but not actually fit it. Clearly this would deplete their parts stock holding whilst at the same time minimising the economical opportunity to pretend to sell it to someone else. But I digress.

It would be a very Late Night Horror show special hospital that considered all healthy persons that came through the door as a potential donor of many usable body parts, mainly because it would also include the staff. Unless, they signed a contract stipulating that you were exempt from this type of scavenger hunt, having agreed to a productivity deal and /or pay cut. I am surprised Margaret Thatcher and her henchmen missed this economically motivational opportunity! Show real commitment! Really put your heart into your work! Have you got the Guts to work for the NHS?!!

Seeing the size of some of the hospital staff now, I have to note that they are a most valuable asset to the NHS, if only you could sell them by the Kg. Are these people supposed to represent the health of the nation, the symbol of good healthy eating. They have the audacity to preach to others on their 'unhealthy' lifestyles. I am sorry, but when I go to the stables to see how the horses are being treated, I expect to see firm muscled, strutting thoroughbreds, prancing energetically around the arena. Something to attain to, not the equivalent of scruffy, over-weight, lame, Shetland ponies waddling around gasping for breath and wondering how they once managed to pull a wagon full of milk bottles in the 60's. Allegedly!

Hospital visiting would be the new extreme sport. Stall holders at the door renting subterfuge devices like crutches, eye patches and fake tumour prostheses. 'What makes you think you can enter this hospital and return safely, Igor?' the vendor asked our intrepid hero. 'I don't know' he replies. 'Is it a hunch?' the vendor goes on. 'No, I'm just standing awkwardly' hero replies. 'I can rent you a nice lightweight gel filled hunch for the afternoon. Now, does sir normally wear his hunch to the right or the left?' the vendor stepped forward in an attempt to enter our hero's personal space but our hero is light on his feet for a hunchless man and quickly avoided the vendor's prying grasping hands. It was made easier because the vendor had only 3 fingers on each hand. The licensing rules for hospital stall holders were very strict.

Although he was now on one of his back feet the vendor did not back down. 'I can provide sir with a more cost effective and persuasive beating around the face for a few pounds. What do you say? Perhaps our hero was losing his resolve or perhaps he had some fleck of pity for this miserable creature but he agreed to a quick mugging by the man, in exchange for a few pounds.

Unfortunately, our hero made the mistake of showing the vendor the size and shape of his wallet. The opiate smell of pig skin stashed with cash was too much for the stall holder. He felt compelled to give the customer a full upgrade, the 'Coatbridge special'.

So that was how our hero found himself in the rockiest horror show of hospitals he had ever been dragged into, excluding Monklands. He was severely damaged but felt strangely safe and secure in this condition. Now, if only he could focus properly through his one good eye. He might spot someone with an unfractured jaw and the use of all or most of their limbs. The biggest problem now would be how to fill out the Parts Requisition of Organs Form (PROOF).

Next week; We will consider Mark D. Hauser's views on the unsuccessful or failed Psychopath. Should they be provided with Inspirational Intervention from successful psychopaths and therefore Motivational Training? Discuss!

Also; Do you understand the hierarchical structures that prevail in categorising a) Psychopaths b) Sociopaths c) Mortgage Brokers and d) Independent Financial Advisers ? Discuss!