Thursday, September 29, 2011

Irish Coalminer art

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.


The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

He went on to say 'In fact, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

How the Fight Started!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time,
simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
i took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011

Saturday, September 10, 2011

6 Ways to Kill an Iconic Rabbit


Chinese Torture


Sudden Drop


Time-Based Art


Hi-Tech Solution


Sporting Chance


Pirate's Revenge


Heath Robinson or Jackass Arrangement

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Dating tips: Manners and respect

The sad lack of manners in everyday life presents an opportunity for single men who are actively seeking a partner. A falling level of civility leaves chivalrous exceptions prominently on display. The courteous gentleman is a match any lady would love to catch.

Manners
No one wants to be treated with anything less than thoughtfulness. The guy who exerts himself to consider what would please his date and then strives to deliver is sure to make a favourable impression. Here are a few tips to convince your date that she's found her Prince Charming.

1. Show respect
This is the universal rule of the polite. All other tips are just permutations of this one.

2. Listen
Pay attention to what she says, and take it to heart. When she says she's allergic to dust mites, vacuum before she comes to your place for drinks. If she says she likes Italian food, rent Big Nighton DVD and invite her over for pasta.

3. Be on time
Making her wait implies that her time is less valuable than yours is.

4. Be generous
I'm not talking money here. Give freely of your praise.

5. Be reliable
A gentleman's word is his bond. If you say you're going to call, call.

6. Be courteous
After a charming date with a young lady, always follow up with a card or a message saying how much you enjoyed your evening. It will make you so different and more memorable from the other men and isn't that what you want!

Friday, September 2, 2011