Monday, May 26, 2014

Things to do on a long weekend

Surprise your boss!

Go to the splash park!

Try out your Partout skills at the mall!

Give the kids an authentic space training ride!

Dance with your kids!

Go karting!

Learn to break dance!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Surgeons at work

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Old Men, Hunters, babies and beavers

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride wh o is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Yorkshire has an accent

The county of Yorkshire in the UK has, like many regions in the UK and Canada, its own distinct dialect /accent. They often speak in a clipped and staccato manner, which is not always understood by the passing visitor but does often amuse.

Below are 3 examples of humourous anecdotes exposing the eccentricity of this dialect /accent.

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Golf Ringer

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Ariel Sharon ... we can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result of the match.

"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Ariel Sharon?!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

On the Ladies Tee!

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Pete was beginning his pre shot routine.

As he was visualizing his upcoming shot, a voice came over the loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Pete was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Pete had had enough.

He yelled, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

The wisdom of Groucho Marx - Video

Scottish Golf, Whisky and long life

Scottish Golf and Whisky...

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

"In fact he golfed wie me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"