Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
MAD: A Few Minutes With Someone Funnier Than You: Al Jaffee - YouTube
A few minutes with Mad Magazine's Al Jaffee
Purchase at: http://www.chroniclebooks.com/the-mad-fold-in-collection.html
Al Jaffee's fold-ins, on the inside back cover of virtually every issue of MAD Magazine since 1964, have become an icon of American humor.
Generations have grown up with Jaffee's inspired skewerings of our foibles and cultural conundrums.
Issue after issue, each Fold-in requires the reader to simply fold the page so that arrow A meets arrow B to reveal the hidden gag image, a simple idea that masks both undeniable artistic ingenuity and comic timing.
In this deluxe four-volume set, each of the 410 fold-ins is reproduced at its original size, with a digital representation of the corresponding "folded" image on the following page (so collectors won't have to "fold" their book to get the jokes).
Featuring insightful essays by such luminaries as Pixar's Pete Docter and humorist Jules Feiffer, The MAD Fold-In Collection is the definitive gift for the millions of fans who've grown up with MAD for nearly 60 years.
World’s Largest Illusive 3-D Pavement Painting [PHOTOS]
Actors pose with gym equipment on what the Guinness World Records bills as the world's largest 3-D painting at Canary Wharf in London on Thursday.
Source: REUTERS/Paul Hackett.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Blonde going Up on a Down Escalator!
We're cracking up over this very determined shopper at Saks Fifth Avenue, who's desperately attempting to scale an escalator. Gee, what's taking her so long?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Upgrading from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck
Tech Support
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Romance of Everyday Objects
I like it when we Spoon!
A Toast to US!
Spending Quality time together!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Aircraft Maintenance Chat Sheets!
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
(UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident)
- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
- S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The farmer's tale!
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're an IT Consultant", says Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. ...
Now give me back my effing dog!
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're an IT Consultant", says Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. ...
Now give me back my effing dog!
Man and Wife
They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in bed.
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. You’re beautiful, I love you.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. You’re my headache, one day I'll kill you.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: marriage.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in bed.
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. You’re beautiful, I love you.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. You’re my headache, one day I'll kill you.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: marriage.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Bodybuilder - joke
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a Great chest you have!”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”
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