Fireman's pet hate

Pussies galore
This is the answer to the age old question 'What do firemen hate the most about their jobs?' and 'What do you get most calls about?'

Rescuing cats from trees and other high places is very
exasperating. Most of the time the cat is not stuck at all, it is merely exploring or fleeing something e.g. a dog, a bigger cat, a raptor (depending on country of origin). Secondly, they are most ungrateful creatures at the best of times and will fight its rescuer with tooth and claw. One firey described cat retrieval as being 'like juggling a chainsaw with one hand while trying to climb down a slippery metal ladder', with the other. It is because of this that a lot of cats are set free before the (nearly there) bottom rungs and the adage of cats landing safely on all fours can be regularly tested.

If you ask a fireman 'What is the best way to get a cat out of a tree?' He will suggest the use of a rifle, crossbow or other ballistic device. Some, more practical members of the brigade may suggest the sudden removal of the said tree itself. Thus removing the location from the event. This is unusually existential for a firey but may happen.

My story today concerns a certain hero from the brigade who was attending a call to rescue a cat from up the inside of a chimney in an old house. They approached this call with the same dedication and concern as they had for every 'cat in trouble' call. They were more miffed than motivated but showed the little old lady great courtesy in listening to her forlorn tale. She was clearly upset by the disappearance of her dear companion.

It was summer and she did not have a fire lit in the hearth. The cat had disappeared from the room that morning. She had searched the whole house and the cat could only be in one place, up the chimney. The firies consider that low tech solutions are best and that they would begin by shining their torches up the chimney and stare very hard into the dark. At the same time, one man went on to the roof to see if the cat had made it up that far. It had not. The little old lady went off to make tea and biscuits for her rescuers, as is traditional and in some way, expected.


In her absence, they began their search. One firey had his head and most of his shoulder up the lum and still could neither feel, see or hear the cat. The second firey listened on the wall for scuffles and scratching but all he could hear was the other firies stomping about. They owner shouted from the kitchen 'Can you see her?' 'Not yet!' they responded. In their minds, there was only one thing to do. Punch a whole in the wall above the fireplace. This would allow them to look further up the chimney and may also let them see if there was anything below, apart from the upper half of their colleague. They had to escalate the situation. They needed executive permission from the lady so that they could damage her house.

Being a sweet old lady, she granted them permission to do whatever they needed to do to rescue her beloved pet. So, while she continued to make the tea, the firies punched a whole in the wall and removed enough bricks to allow one man to stick his head inside. His head was inserted and whilst his colleagues shined their torches both up and down the chimney, the firey looked for signs of life or a stuck cat. Signs of a stuck cat; The reflections of a cat's eyes, the shadow of its bulk or the pungent odour of a scared cat's urine. No presence was detected. The owner cried from the kitchen again 'Have you got her?' 'Not yet!' they responded.

The firies were concerned. They had not only punched a gaping hole in this woman's wall and spread the rubble around her living room floor but they still hadn't found her stupid cat. The owner was preparing to re-appear in the living room carrying the tea tray with cookies and treats for the local heroes and they were stumped and empty handed.


Just at that, one man nudged the other and nodded with his head towards the sofa. There, under the sofa, watching the firies destroying the house, was 'Tiddles' the much loved pet cat of the little old lady. Not lost but hiding and observing. They had trashed this woman's house for no reason. They were in deep trouble, the woman was coming into the room. Although they were case hardened firies, they had broken out in a deep sweat and panic was growing.

These men are trained to think clearly and respond appropriately in the most difficult and traumatic circumstances and now was the time for action. In the split second that the woman arrived in the room carrying her tea tray, one of the fireys grasped the cat from under the sofa and stuffed it into the new hole they had made in the wall. Tiddles was too stunned to react to this surprising event but as the woman appeared, the firey pulled the cat back out of the hole in the wall. Like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat "There you are cat' he announced with a flourish 'Safe at last'.

There was a tearful reunion between cat and owner and the heroes
of the day were duly rewarded by old lady hugs and kisses and fed tea and cookies. They continued to be thanked and regaled all the way back to their tender (love me tender: as Elvis always said).

This poor woman does not know to this day that her heroes had come into her house, inadvertantly defaced her living room, abused her cat, left without fixing the damage and finished by drinking her tea and eating her cookies.




Sometimes its hard to tell the good times from the bad. The world keeps on spinning. Best wishes for 2009!