Beware the GSM crops

An old lady friend of mine and I were talking the other day and she, a great source of distorted facts and half-heard stories was voicing her concerns about 'GSM' crops and the possible 'threat of them spreading to mutate with the natives.'

I have to say that up to this point I was not concerned about the genetically modified (GM) crops currently being developed but I did see the dangers arising if the crops were able to communicate with each other over the GSM cell network. That's a much more serious issue and one that needs investigated.

It does bring to mind a 'War of the Wolds' scenario with mindless faceless cereal killers roaming the streets of rural 'wherever' looking for natives to mutate with. I could understand her fears but re-assured her that she would be safe by the seashore, at least, because plants don't like salt, with a few hardy exceptions. That's why you cannot put salt on cornflakes for fear of unbalancing nature and making your partner gag or laugh hysterically. The exception to this rule is, oats and porridge, which benefits from a cheeky wee pinch now and then, just like the folks that eat it.

So beware of the GSM crops. It would also explain why you can never get a phone signal when out in the country. I am not sure if, when in a 'crop circle' you can share the same telecom account or have to have individual ones. Your local Telecoms shop will be able to advise you here and if he is the one selling the crops all these accounts, it would also explain why he's making so much freakin' money. So give his Ferrari a good dunt when you pass it.

Be assured the one way to stop the onslaught of the GSM crops is to put them onto a roaming tariff and the whole 'taking over the planet, mutating' thing will just become unaffordable and go away.

My friend has now taken to wearing a hat made of aluminium foil when out walking in the country, just in case. It goes quite well with the aluminium bicycle clips she wears to stop the GSM bees from flying up her trouser legs. Personally I like the gentle humming ringtones of the bee's, the engaged tone of the trees and the speed dial sound of the rabbits. Communing with nature, put it on your list of family and friends this weekend.