Things Kids say!

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his maths  homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first year teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ....! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' 

Children Are Quick

Children  Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I  got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why  are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You  told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn,  how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K  L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one  important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie,  give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,  Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the  ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know  why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still  had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon ,  tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No  sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is  exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same  dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do  you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Creative Solutions to Parenting Issues

1. The mom who came up with the "get along shirt."



2. These parents who know how to travel with kids.



3. Any parent that uses the same tactics on their kids and their cats.



4. These parents who are planning for the future.



5. The masterminds who came up with this trick.



6. The parent who wakes up their kids like this.



7. This dad who finally got his baby to fall asleep.



8. This dad who taught his son the classics.



9. The parent who taught their daughter to have a healthy perspective on gender roles.



10. This thoughtful father who planned ahead on Halloween.



11. This dad who has a surprise planned for his kids.



12. This parent who teamed up with the tooth fairy to get what they wanted.



13. Any parent who names their kid "Tahra Dactyl."



14. The parent who brought blanket forts to a whole new level.



15. This dad who came up with the greatest father/baby costume ever.



16. This mom who is teaching her kids to use social media responsibly.



17. This dad who introduced his son to his hobbies.



18. This dad who just wants his kid to appreciate the great outdoors.



19. This dad who lets his kid go out dressed as Batman.



20. This dad who discovered a lifehack that makes everyone happy.



21. This dad who is equal parts embarrassing and awesome.



22. This mom who still knows how to have fun.



23. This dad who taught his son to not waste food.



24. This dad who punished his daughter by making her wear his face to school.

Behind the Scenes: Darth Vader and Luke

Children say the funniest things

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a humanbecause even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

**********************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

***************************************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

****************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*****************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."

**********************************************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

***********************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

iPhone, iPad, iPod, etc

Gandhi Stunted doubles parade on his birthday

School children dressed as Mahatma Gandhi take part in a cultural programme on the eve of Gandhi's 140th birth anniversary, in the central Indian city of Bhopal

In a Spate of Balloon Thefts a Child has been Charged

Why do we Stifle the Creativity of Children

"Daddy said we could help him!"

Brazil Lets it Flow: Pee in the Shower campaign

New TV ads are encouraging Brazilians to save water — by urinating in the shower.

Brazilian environmental group SOS Mata Atlantica says the campaign, running on several television stations, uses humor to persuade people to reduce flushes.

The group says if a household avoids one flush a day, it can save up to 4,380 liters (1,157 gallons) of water annually.

SOS spokeswoman Adriana Kfouri said Tuesday that the ad is "a way to be playful about a serious subject."

The spot features cartoon drawings of people from all walks of life — a trapeze artist, a basketball player, even an alien — urinating in the shower.

Narrated by children's voices, the ad ends with: "Pee in the shower! Save the Atlantic rainforest!"

Hear no, see no, speak no .....

The 3 Wise King types
I tell you a small tale of children at Xmas. Its not mine I just pass it on to you from another location but it is truly reported to be correct. On a scale of 1 to 6, it is definitely a good 4.

School Plays its part
It was upon a Xmas even that children gathered without much reason, to play a part in entertaining, parents, teachers and others straining, hard to please but ever nervous. Standing in wings in angelic fervour, stomachs churning, very queasy, remembered lines, are never easy. You know at first and then forget, the tensions rise, the stage is set. Drunk your fill of the muses cup, now steel yourself, the curtains up!

The children played their little hearts out with more enthusiasm than anyone could imagine. It was a spectacle to behold. The blessed couple arrive at the inn and in the night the babe is born in the stable. The children stick simply to the plot and text without room for embellishment the tale unfolded further. It was time for the 3 Magi's to appear and on cue and in full costume they moved slowly onto the stage. The proud parents craned their necks to see the young actors at their peak.

Gold

"I bring you Gold for the boy child born this night in Bethlehem" the first king called out loud and clear, whilst the others waited their turn to speak. The gift was placed before the child and the first king stepped back into the background, much relieved and very pleased at his success.

Myrrh

The second king stepped forward offering the boy child, the rare and exotic substance called Myrrh. The aroma and heady scent of the myrrh was not apparent to the parents but they grew proud and satisfied that their son and heir had shown his acting potential before his first audience. This was indeed a great evening for them and for him, as he stepped back and stood beside his regal companion. Both had delivered their package and spoken their lines as rehearsed. All was well with their world.


The third king was a young lad more spirited than the others and a little too easily distracted by all the wonders that life will surround us with each day. Xmas sparkle, fairy lights and tinsel. Up to this point he had been busy exchanging notes and observations with a shepherd at the back of the chorus when suddenly it was his turn to step forward and speak. Prompted by the teacher in the wings, he jumped forward suddenly to deliver his offering for the boy child and to utter his chosen lines. Lines that were only half remembered in the excitement and heat of the moment. He looked startled in the footlights, stared directly at the audience and uttered the immortal line "Frank sent us!"