American Daily Humour

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

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I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”

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*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

Blind Dates and Pick-ups - Greetings Cow-eyed Girl! Will you away with me?

Egyptian chat-up lines with strange bovine references

The Red Sea riviera is one of 2009’s hottest destinations. So we ask; have Egyptian men got the silver tongued edge over their continental counterparts? Well, maybe not quite. A local pick-up line is; ‘You have eyes like a cow.’ Also, Egyptian men like their women to be on the heavy side (as if you can choose). So if you have a large tummy they will tell you that you are, ‘....nice and fat.’" How jolly, for you and you don't sweat much either!

France
You would expect French pick-up lines to be more sophisticated. But you could be disappointed. The best I heard recently was; ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi pour 1,000 euros?’ - Would you go to bed with me for 1,000 euros?”

Quickly followed by: ‘We have to hurry because I need the money urgently!’ Now, you may consider this to be quite topical, especially with the financial crisis but it's maybe not so high on the romantic scale.

Dutch
Apparently, Dutch men believe that their English language skills make it easier to pick up foreign chicks on vacation. The sly dogs!

This summer's winning chat-up line for the coming crop of English tourists to the Netherlands, is: “’Je lijkt op mijn vierde vriendin’ - you look like my fourth girlfriend.

When she replies; ‘O, hoeveel vriendinnen heb je gehad dan?’ - oh, how many girlfriends have you had?

He responds quickly with; "‘Drie’ - three.” and then everyone falls around laughing, of course.

Greek chat-up lines: would Zeus have approved?

To many people, Greek men are the epitome of masculinity. They invented wrestling and siege warfare, and didn’t wear skirts like the Romans. But according to the Athenian men, cheesy lines of Olympian proportions are circulating around the Greek Islands this summer: 1) "How about a pizza and a shag?" "No… I guess you don’t like pizza." 2) "Do you make love to strangers?" "No… OK, let me introduce myself then." Italian Botticelli distilled the female figure while Michelangelo sculpted the Renaissance around its naked curves. What are the latest love lines from the land of Casanova, Lothario and Francesco Totti? The Italians propose that; “If you’re sitting next to a girl, and there is chemistry, ask her, ‘Vorresti barciarmi?’ – would you like to kiss me? “If she says ‘Si,’ then kiss her obviously. If she says ‘Forse’ – maybe – then say, ‘Be indaghiamo piu a fondo’ – let’s delve a little deeper. "But if she says ‘No’ then say, ‘Ho detto che potevi, e' solo che sembra che tu stia pensando qualcosa" - I didn't say you had to, I just assumed you'd been thinking about it. As convoluted as a risotto recipe. Italian men are all talk and no trousers, judging by this line.

The Philippines
The dating scene on these paradise islands may be a grey area for UK travellers, but surely their chat-up lines must be more romantic than those in Britain.

Well, to the innocent all is innocent: Most relationships are slowly cultivated, mainly because most couples went to the same school together.

Chat-up lines tend to be tame, friendly or playful; 'Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight? O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako?’, which means ‘Do you believe in love at first sight? Or would you like me to pass by one more time?’

Much better and sweeter than the British classic "I’m no Fred Flintstone but I'll make your bedrock." Yaba-daba-don't bother!

Turkish
The Image Hotel in Turkey’s popular resort of Marmaris hit the headlines in 2008 when the female manager sacked her entire male entourage for getting jiggy with the guests.

The last straw was when the manager saw the bartender, walking out of the bathroom with a British tourist during work hours. Doesn't say whether it was a man or a woman but .....all things must pass!

What is the best Turkey chat-up line to look out for in 2009? “I am a virgin and you are beautiful. I would like for you to teach me how to please a woman.” Presumably the woman he is talking to, not just some random passer-by, cause that would be weird.

Americans

American (Septic tank) chat-up lines can be a very risky business

America's latest world pleaser is its new president. He is portrayed as a smooth and sophisticated man of action, but we know darn well that not all American men are from quite the same mold. (mould?) Let us share this gem of a chat-up line with you: “At a club in Arizona a guy was asked if he wanted to dance. He said, ‘No, but I'd like to get laid.’ She blinked and asked him, ‘How many times a night do you get slapped?’ and he said, ‘At least once or twice, but I also get laid quite a lot, too.’” In the land that gave us fast food, strong women and free love, it pays to be direct and maybe mace-proof and bullet-proof too, especially in Texas! Maced, roped and branded before you've finished sqwaking!

The Irish
The effervescent citizens of the Emerald Isle are very well known for their good natured Blarney and witty repartee. A saucy Dublin unvarnished line of love; ‘Let's play army games. I'll lie down and you can roll all over me.’ Talk about invading your privacy (privates)!

Germany

German chat-up lines abound but beware praline references

The Germans are an educated, well-travelled nation, with a valid reputation for nude sunbathing. Remember, you’re more likely to come cheek to cheek with a German holidaymaker this summer, than being struck by lightening! A 2008 study carried out by some over-sexed, over-qualified and anal-retentive statistician, claimed that Germans were less promiscuous than Britons. Whereas, the flighty Finns were the rampant rabbits of this dubiously official report. Unfortunately, the Taiwanese were the shy retiring giant pandas but they are a very industrious nation, in other ways. However, the Germans have developed and researched in great depth, pick-up lines like these, Picture, if you will, Friedrich, Helmut (with the Dark humour) and Jürgen the surgeon, each with a rolled-up beach towel: 1) "Du bist die süßeste Praline der Welt – und ich hab' die Füllung." You are the sweetest praline in the world – and I have the filling. (Nuts! I crack them) 2) "Hast Du eigentlich schon gewusst das Polen und Indianer die besten Liebhaber sind? Ach, übrigens, mein Name ist Geronimo Koslowski.’ Did you know that Poles and Native Americans are the best lovers? Oh, by the way, my name is Geronimo Koslowski. (Is that your totem, pole or are just pleased to see me?) Is it possible that our German friends have the best chat-up lines this summer. It’s enough to make you choke on your frankfurter!Ich bin ein Hamburger!

Go to it and just do it!