Method in this madness

Humour from the real side of: Edinburgh

Life as Ronan the Librarian is as arduous as you can imagine and maybe a little bit more than a sane person can handle.

I have chosen one of my favourites for you and it concerns a young lady requesting a new library card from Ronan, our intrepid hero. As per instructions and following the laws of a stringent administration, he requested some form of ID from the young lady. She was taken aback at this request and seemed puzzled that she would need ID to get a library card but such are the ways of civil procedures now. Ronan confirmed his request, in an empathetic but assertive tone, trying in his own way to reach out to this potential new reader. Some here felt that the only escape from their woes was through the educational portal that opened up for them in the library.

The young lady, although somewhat suffering from the ravages of poverty and exclusion, realised that Ronan was trying to guide her past this admin obstacle as best as he could. Then she realised that she did have about her abused person an item with her name on it, and it had been provided by the very organised and connected state that required her ID. It was ideal. She produced a bottle of Methadone with her name clearly marked on it, signed and dated. Surely this was proof enough but no, Ronan had been provided with a long but limited list of items that could be used as ID and this was not on it.


Ronan tried to proffer a reasonable scenario that would win his argument and would also be acceptable for the disturbed lady. "How do I know that this Methadone is really yours and you are the person named on the bottle? You must be able to understand the issue from my side?" She did, and accepted his response as a challenge and one that could be easily overcome. She proceeded to drink the contents of the bottle with great relish and concluding with a satisfying gasp!, she said "Now then, would I have done that, if it wisnae mine?"

I leave you with this question would you be so desparate to get a library card that you would possibly consume the liquid in a bottle that was labeled Methadone, if it was not yours? Is literature pull so strong? albeit in graphic novel formats.

Hear no, see no, speak no .....

The 3 Wise King types
I tell you a small tale of children at Xmas. Its not mine I just pass it on to you from another location but it is truly reported to be correct. On a scale of 1 to 6, it is definitely a good 4.

School Plays its part
It was upon a Xmas even that children gathered without much reason, to play a part in entertaining, parents, teachers and others straining, hard to please but ever nervous. Standing in wings in angelic fervour, stomachs churning, very queasy, remembered lines, are never easy. You know at first and then forget, the tensions rise, the stage is set. Drunk your fill of the muses cup, now steel yourself, the curtains up!

The children played their little hearts out with more enthusiasm than anyone could imagine. It was a spectacle to behold. The blessed couple arrive at the inn and in the night the babe is born in the stable. The children stick simply to the plot and text without room for embellishment the tale unfolded further. It was time for the 3 Magi's to appear and on cue and in full costume they moved slowly onto the stage. The proud parents craned their necks to see the young actors at their peak.

Gold

"I bring you Gold for the boy child born this night in Bethlehem" the first king called out loud and clear, whilst the others waited their turn to speak. The gift was placed before the child and the first king stepped back into the background, much relieved and very pleased at his success.

Myrrh

The second king stepped forward offering the boy child, the rare and exotic substance called Myrrh. The aroma and heady scent of the myrrh was not apparent to the parents but they grew proud and satisfied that their son and heir had shown his acting potential before his first audience. This was indeed a great evening for them and for him, as he stepped back and stood beside his regal companion. Both had delivered their package and spoken their lines as rehearsed. All was well with their world.


The third king was a young lad more spirited than the others and a little too easily distracted by all the wonders that life will surround us with each day. Xmas sparkle, fairy lights and tinsel. Up to this point he had been busy exchanging notes and observations with a shepherd at the back of the chorus when suddenly it was his turn to step forward and speak. Prompted by the teacher in the wings, he jumped forward suddenly to deliver his offering for the boy child and to utter his chosen lines. Lines that were only half remembered in the excitement and heat of the moment. He looked startled in the footlights, stared directly at the audience and uttered the immortal line "Frank sent us!"

Xmas commerce

The voice of Xmas spent

So did you have a great Xmas? I do hope so. Its so important to get on the right footing at this time of year. To get things into perspective and after New Year, get things stabalised and back in focus.

Let me show you a different view of Xmas. Here's how Xmas was for commerce in a world near you. First level; Create a demand for a Xmas present to end all Xmas presents. To find a good example. check back on all previous Xmases for good ideas.

Have you found a winner? Great! Announce the release of your new toy, game, gadget, or whatever must-have thing we all cannot live without this year. It is especially relevant for parents with children and teenagers. I do believe this tactic or strategy was specifically developed for the toy and young adult market, specifically to boost sales around the festive season. Sometimes known as 'Cha-ching!' time in the retail market.

Level Two; Once the demand is created and the little dears (influencers) are demanding that their parents (the mark) get them this unholy grail for Xmas, your work is very near done. The game is afoot. The marketeers can now announce that demand will be enormous and the manufacturers of this objet-formidable will be working flat out to meet the demand. Pre-booking is recommended. Excellent news for the supplier and wholesaler because then you can make them to order, not have to carry extra stock, reduce scrap levels and reduce the risk of being stuck with surplus, if it bombs. But be sure to state to the public that despite all attempts to meet demand there may be a shortfall in supply. This is not true of course because you are simply planning to create a cycle of demand, with a backlog and surge effect in the market and shops. The crowds are going crazy. Now you are really hot stuff!

The great Cathedral to Commerce - The shopping mall.
Level Three; The great Xmas shopping bonanza begins. All the parents have been told that if they do not provide their frantic demanding kids with this year's gadget-extraordinaire then its over, curtains. Their lives will be forfeit. They will be forever sighted in therapy sessions of young adults all over the world as being the most unfeeling creature ever to appear above the high water mark. A spoiler of childrens' lives. A destroyer of dreams and a perpetrator of such intense psychological torture as to surpass that of all the others in this enormous but deviant criteria. Its full of really bad types and bete-noirs, too many to actually name at the moment.

Now your kids and young folk are going nuts for it, even if they are not sure what it is or what it does and they are certainly not interested in what it costs. Their overall standing in their peer-to-peer hierarchy and group structures is in severe jeopardy, if they don't have one and be willing to display it, on demand. A huge barrage of unbearable mocking, finger-pointing, 'she said' and 'he said' conversations will break out in the young sects that always lead to exile and banishment from being, even slightly close to, 'cool'. Its a well known fact, init?

Level Four; The parents and step-parents, with even more at stake, find themselves out maneuvered, defenseless and abandoned in a shopping mall. An enemy fortress full of every tempting bait the world could create or assemble, except the one thing you have been sent to get. You have hunted high and low. Three times! Panic soon ensues! You cannot go home without it but it is not available. You start running in circles and looking in other shoppers bags. You find yourself teetering and unbalanced on the edge of your dark side.

The virtual bait
The trap is sprung. There is no way back. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Skewered on the horns of an impossible dilemma. Your mind is melting. You were once the Alpha leader but no longer. Your overall standing in the home, the family and in the community is at stake. You are too old, dedicated, scared or unfortunate to run away and start a new life. What do you do? What do you do?

You do what 90% of the world's consumers do. You try to buy your way out of this moral difficulty and into your family's affection. You will return with more trinkets and sparkling things than anyone could want, need, use or maintain. Remote controlled make-up kits, a scratch-and-sniff racing car sets, a surround-around sound talking karaoke doll, a chemistry set that produces real meth-amphetamines for demonstration purposes only and not to be slipped into silly old grannie's egg nog. You are exhausted and your credit is gone. The last guy cut your card up with the demonstration model of a scaled down imitation French guiotine that plays music while slicing real sausages. You may need to rent a truck to take all this stuff home. You join the other desponds in the offices of the aptly named Dutch hire company, Jan van Rental's.

Even after all this you know, in the back of your mind that it is still not enough. It was never going to be enough. You have failed the trial set by your children to prove your love and dedication to them. Shame on you. You are not worthy of their love. You can but hope they will forgive you and give you another chance. You will promise on your miserable soul, to get them the golden treasure they seek, once Xmas is over. The trap is full now. The victims have gorged on the bait and they will be coming back for more, after Xmas.

The Anti-Santa clause

As for the 3 marketeers and the dark tan yin that runs with them, their work is done. You have over spent like all maniacs, to compensate your children for not being able to buy the very thing they have been made to want. You will also have to buy the tasty demand-laiden bait after Xmas. You hate this thing with a vengeance. The very name of it makes your blood rage. But, you have to buy it, to complete the vicious circle created by the marketeers and the promise made to your tetchy children.


We are all victims of commerce, year after year. Can you break the circle? Yes, of course but you must want to. You will have to risk being different, to develop independent thinking, to be less gullible and not easily lead, plus more, much much more. You will also have to take your children and partner with you on this voyage of re-discovery. It is difficult, but appeal to their better nature, their ecological conscience and ask them to stop consuming the planet's treasures. Its in very bad taste and its not fashionable or cool any more.

Xmas - 12 Days of it

There is a Partridge in your Pear Tree

The Christmas song “Twelve Days of Christmas” has been a British tradition for centuries. The tune is almost certainly French in origin and the English words can be dated to 1780 and are probably much older. While some people attribute a Catholic mnemonic to the gifts, the song is more likely to come from a memory game played by children on Twelfth Night.

Since 1984 a US financial firm has tried to price the gifts (364 gifts in total, in case you’re wondering)—this year they totalled US$21,080 (£14,071), up nearly 8% from 2007.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

The Partridge in a pear tree is a rather peculiar image but some say reflects the French origins of the song since the French for partridge is perdix, which is pronounced per dree.

A partridge is the first of a series of meats being offered by the true love (read on!). In the Catholic interpretation, the partridge, the first gift from the true love (God) is Jesus.

Two Turtle Doves

Meat number two, or representative of the Old and New Testaments.

Three French Hens

French hens, because they were generally regarded as better eating. Or representative of faith, hope, and charity.

Four Calling Birds

While most modern versions of the song has calling birds, the original text has four colley birds—another name for the blackbird. Alternatively you’re thinking of the four Gospels.

Five Gold Rings

If we’re going to take the vegetarian option, the birds have been gifts purely for their singing or egg-laying capabilities. And here we get something worthwhile (and in these economically uncertain times, five gold rings is a gift not to be sniffed at). But given the theme so far, we're probably talking about ring-necked pheasants. We may of course be talking about the first five books of the Old Testament that describe man's fall from grace.

Six Geese a-Laying

Laying geese are regarded as more valuable because they lay, apparently not as common as you might think in your average goose. This is turning into quite a feast. Goose was once the Christmas meat of choice and is making a comeback for those who want an alternative to turkey. Turkeys don’t feature in this song since it was really the 20th century before it became the Christmas dish of choice.

Six days of creation, represented here.

Seven Swans a-Swimming

We're on the last meat course. Yes, swans used to be eaten too, especially in high society (the swans on the River Thames all belong to the Queen). Or we’re looking at the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Eight Maids a-Milking

Fresh milk was also a great luxury in the times before refrigeration—as well as a source of pudding since custard and cream both come from milk. Or a reference to the eight Beatitudes.

Nine Ladies Dancing

Phew! The feeding has finished and we're on to the entertainment. Ballet such as The Nutcracker Suite remains a seasonal treat. As do the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Well, maybe Morris Dancing was not what you had in mind. But folk dancing remained an important aspect of Christmas traditions well into the 19th century. It may also remind you of the Ten Commandments.

Eleven Pipers Piping

So here comes the music. Or a reminder that there were eleven faithful disciples.

Twelve Drummers Drumming

More musicians to accompany the pipers, unless they are here to remind you of the 12 points of the Apostles' Creed.

God Bless us once and for all!

Big Cheese

My complements go out to Andy in Edinburgh for discovering the head of Zeus on a piece of cheese. Isn't it divine? But for those of you anxious to see and touch this edible delight, I am afraid it has been sold to an undisclosed bidder on e-bay for a princely sum. Keep your eyes peeled for divinity in the dairy section from now on. Other areas to check out may be the Royal Jelly, King prawns and St Michaels, of course. Make it part of your calorie controlled deity!

Indulgence - I have blatantly borrowed this uplifting newsletter from a charming young lady in the US who goes by the name of the Change Agent. No, she is not a cashier at the arcade. She tells me that she is very experienced in helping people of all nations deal with the changes they face in life and work. I have added some notes in brackets to supplement the understanding, from my perspective. I trust you find what she says as useful and thought-provoking.

Financial Strains

A recent survey by somebody (somewhere at some time), found that finances are the most common cause of holiday (and every other day) stress. Buying gifts and paying for travel expenses can create a significant financial burden (So stay home and be a mean git?). Here's a quick tip that my extended family (my parents and other assorted hangers-on) are doing this Christmas. We are bringing a $10 gift for each member of our family. None of us really "need" anything (cause we are American). This inexpensive alternative doesn't put strain on those families without a lot of money but it still offers the fun of opening gifts (that look like and are actually, crap). My Dutch (meaning really thrifty) family will certainly pride themselves on who got the most expensive gift for $10 (to the Dutch 10 bucks is an expensive gift).

Free Yourself from Taking Offense

(This is a tough one, girls) Consider cutting people slack by not taking offense at what they say (or don't say). It is so easy to be easily offended by family members because of our history with them (that and the fact they are all bampots). For example, when they make a sarcastic remark, choose to ignore it and not allow it to "tear flesh" (immediately, certainly not at the table. You, heid, outside, now!). Then, immediately forgive them (as they slip in an out of consciousness). Years ago, my husband and I would spend our 6 hour drive home from my parents (driving in circles cause she cannae read a map and he won't ask for directions) psychoanalyzing all the comments and what they "really" meant. It was (good fun?) a lot of wasted emotional energy (Doh!). Keep in mind that when we don't forgive others we become bitter (like dark chocolate?) ...and bitterness is a lot like a match (it keeps you warm at night?), in that it only burns the person holding on to it (NB: check peoples' fingers for scorch marks in future).

Forty Winks
Sometimes during the holidays we burn our candle at both ends (if you are lucky). We need seven nights of good restful sleep (at least once a month). Some people need more sleep than others (these are the unemployed), but most sleep experts believe that adults need eight hours of sleep per night (with a top up at the office when the boss isnae looking). Ongoing research (by the unknown unseen university people) is showing that when people don't get enough sleep, they build up "sleep debt."(not more debt) The debt accumulates night after night (disnae sound any different from normal debt). If you get one hour of sleep less per night, after eight nights you have built up a sleep debt equivalent to one night's sleep (add them all together and sleep through your retirement). Sleep debt takes a toll on our motor (try and be awake at the wheel, sometimes) and intellectual functions (Duh!). William Dement, author of The Promise of Sleep says, "In the simplest of terms, a large sleep debt makes you stupid." It takes a toll on us in terms of work errors and can make us emotionally distant from our co-workers, friends, and family. (can you accept the words of a man, by his own admission, who is obviously half asleep?)

Morning dear heart!

Another interesting point about sleep is that our body needs a regular sleep-wake routine (scratching doesn't count). For those of us with daytime working hours (this is not for the owl people of the Northern Isles), most of us go to bed at a certain time (when we pass out) and we get up at a certain time (when we are shaken furiously). During the holidays, however, we tend to go to bed later and sleep in (that's why its a holiday). Here's the problem -- if we sleep an extra hour beyond our normal waking time, we will be tired (no, you've lost me there). It then takes our body forty-eight hours to recover from sleeping late. (Explain some more) Let's say you normally wake up at 6:30 a.m. However, on Saturday, you get up after 7:45 a.m. Because you slept in that extra hour plus, it will take your body literally two days or 48 hours to recover. You will feel tired (always). We often refer to Mondays as "Blue Monday."(that's putting it mildly) Perhaps that is in part due to the fact that we are still recovering from "sleeping in."(No its cause we have to face soor-face and nippy knickers at the office)

Sleep Expert at work

Sleep experts (name and shame them!) suggest you should get up within an hour of your normal waking period even if you go to bed later than usual (spoilsport). To make up for those later nights, consider taking a twenty-minute nap in the afternoon (between meals). To make up your sleep debt, it is best to go to bed earlier than to sleep later (tell that to the widow next door). Aside from the physical benefits from your sleep routine, imagine how much you can enjoy the quiet time in your house with no one awake. (Yes you can practice your drums) Forty winks can make a big difference. (but not if your driving, drinking or having sex)

I hope that you will try one or two of these stress-busting tips. I wish you a most blessed Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you are celebrating. May you experience health, happiness, and peace in 2009!(Hope this nausea wears off soon!)

Trees - Not just for Xmas

I love trees and always have. Leaves on, leaves off, don't care. They give you such a different perspective to life on the ground. You know what the physicists say; your stuck with the gravity you were born with. Clearly this does not apply to a limited number of people who have truly experienced zero gravity above and beyond this planet, plus the dubious 'TV personalities' that clearly come from another, slightly un-parallel, off-centre, universe but not as we know it.

As kids we love climbing trees and just the sight of one reaching up and piercing the sky is enough to make you want to be at one with the tree, amongst its welcoming branches swaying in the breeze. We are somehow empowered and willingly transformed. At once observer and observed, a visible spectator no longer a true participant with the ground dwellers, removed, raised to another more privileged level. Until you realise that you can't get down as easily as you had thought and what a bad idea this is because now you have raised yourself to another level where you don't really belong.

Like the astronauts, explorers and adventurers every one, above the earth and below the seas, you take yourself into an alien place for a short time. It changes your view on the physical environment around you and the nature of ground dwelling humanity.

As an aside, it is my understanding that one of the areas that will undergo rapid growth and change, should mankind ever inhabit zero gravity destinations and /or distant planets, is the interior design industry. You have been warned. Invest now for the future.

The furniture, cushions, vases and miscellaneous 'unnecessary-stuff people' will have to come up with a multi-dimensional model for Feng-shui for a start. They'll probably outsource that back to the Chinese. But not only that, suddenly they can use all that empty space on the ceiling and at the top of walls. This has long been the sole provence of spiders, flying bugs, escaped budgies and the occasional traumatised bat. Yikea!

Let's look back at conifer type trees as used at Xmas. The concept of bringing a dead tree into the house was another great idea and custom from our close friends in Germany. This tradition was passed on to the beleaguered Scots by the English monarchy, despite the fact that most Scots are living within a few feet of a large number of living growing conifer trees, at any given time. They are also known to be quite close to a flock of sheep of some kind and more recently, a McDonalds.

It seems to me to be a crazy idea to pay 50€ for a bit of dead tree, keep it in the house for a bit, let the cat climb all over it and then pay someone to take it away because its displaying more obvious signs of atropy i.e. its a dried out stick looking for a forest fire to complete its lifecycle.

Next year, in the spirit of conservation and mutual co-operation, just buy one big tree for the whole street and share it with your neighbours. Each one donating a shiney bawble or two for decoration. If you do this, don't forget, its very dangerous to use electricity outside the house and specific criteria need to be met to make it safe and weatherproof. So when it come to setting up the fairy lights on the tree, get an experienced electrician to wire them up to the street lights for you. Play safe! and remember trees are not just for Xmas. Gutentag!