The Financial Sting in your Tail: Dentists

It would appear that my soft head is deteriorating from the inside out.

First my brain starts playing up and refuses to answer questions about the names of people I know and the location of my car keys and other vital stuff around the house.

Now my teeth are seeking better 'representation' and threatening to take me to arbitration! Otherwise they will 'drop out' and add further to the 'neglected Jewish graveyard' look that I have been cultivating.

2 of the front ones (the ring leaders!) are crowns (giving them delusions of grandeur!) and the loyal but modest stumps they are attached to, are split.

So nought but blind faith, good intentions and dental superglue are keeping them there. So in the exact parliance of dental terminology, my mouth, it's a bit of a fixer upper! One, I fear, that even the National Trust would not take on.

The dentist wanted to remodel my whole head of course; call in consultants and architects, put up scaffolding, install marble statues, mood lighting and long sweeping staircases whilst maintaining the 'quaint' external facade but I said that I was not up for any Hollywood movies, in the near future, so it was not required.

I think if I added up the price of all the cars I've ever bought in my life, it would have come to less than they wanted for this dental 'makeover' and there was no guarantee that it would carry me into next year.

The proposed procedure was a lengthy and complex one, which included taking a piece of bone from my hip hop hip, to rebuild my weak jaw. I asked if they could remove some fat from my ass at the same time but they said no. What's the point of re-building your face when your ass is still dragging on the ground?

So, I have opted for the plastic insert option and have yet to make the appointment at the hospital to have the brave split pegs taken out. I am not keen to give myself up to the heavy-handed cutters and slashers that inhabit this haven of MRSA and C-Difficile, but I know I must.

When they have finished their delicately priced operation, I have then to go across town immediately, feverish, hot foot and bleeding to the dentist.

My only hope is that I am not stopped by the police and arrested as a suspected vampire who had come off worse whilst trying to bite into the cold stone heart of a local banker.

Once I reach the open arms (and eager wallet) of my dentist, she will slap the pre-prepared dental prosthetics in my dazed and confused face! Sending me quickly on my way, with a bloodied swab in one hand and in the other, a detailed Invoice, payable within 10 days.

Can't help but thinking that I could still get a decent wee runabout for the same price! I would smile less without my teeth but I would be better off and somewhat happier!