Car Maintenance Tips, or maybe not

The Maintenance tips listed here have been modified to meet the needs of today's modern, smart, and energy-conscious Green drivers. Read on MacDuff!

1. The First thing people can do to help themselves, is make sure they have the locking wheelnut tool in the car. This is a tool that allows the wheelnuts to be undone, if you have fancy smancy alloy wheels.

2. When you take a car in for a service, make sure the garage puts the locking wheelnut tool back in the same place in the car. Otherwise, you’ll find that one late night, when the car is heaving with luggage, you’ll be scrabbling around trying to find it and it won’t be there. No Sorry! More likely you will set this task to your wife, partner or kids, as a special 'treasure hunt'. 'First one to find it gets a shiney new 'something.'' Its an incentive, you come up with something cheap, reasonable and can be got around midnight, anywhere.

3. Some people say 'Make sure your spare wheel is serviceable or that you have a spare in the first place.' Also, if you do have one, it has to be ' legal' and has to be checked regularly. When people buy a car, particularly a secondhand car, they sometimes find they have the wrong spare wheel, entirely. I say, if you do find one, take the thing out and throw it away cause you will never need it. It's too heavy (reduces fuel efficiency) takes up too much room and is as useless as your appendix. So don't even bother checking if it fits and is the correct size, shape or colour. Just throw it away.

4. Some new cars have a tyre inflation kit. This is a much better idea than that whole 'spare' wheel idea. Now you have to make sure you have the right fluid in the car and that you’ve got the compressor in the car to inflate the tyre. It’s common for people to find they haven’t got the complete kit. Oh, oh! I've gone off this idea now. Too much bother.

5. If you’re not sure about this, ensure you have the handbook in the car so that you can refer to it. OR if you are like me, take the the stupid 'handbook' out of the car and keep it “in a safe place” at the back of the garage, or even better still, remove the entire glovebox, to reduce weight and clutter and conceal it at the back of the garage also. Hey, why not put the manual in it.

6. If you are crazy enough to buy an 'imported' car, make sure you have a handbook that’s in a language you understand or English. Often people buy Japanese, German or French imports and it’s only when they have a breakdown that they realise they can’t read it. Have no fear about this one a) its a great talking point with your mates b) who needs it anyway. Put it in the glovebox in the garage and c) when it is required, just give it to the wonderful AA or RAC man to figure it out.

7. Make sure the toolkit that is supposed to be in the car is there and includes things like wheeltrim removal tools to remove the hubcap. Often people don’t have the complete set and that can make things difficult. Again, don't be worrying about this. Its just extra weight. If you find any tools or mechanics toys in the car, simply remove them and let the AA & RAC man figure out how to undo nuttie, boltie things, that's what you pay them for!

8. When people locate the jack, there are two common mistakes:

They put the jack in the incorrect jacking point and damage the car or they put it upside down. In the handbook you‘ve got a diagram to show where the jack should go. Take a few minutes to check the diagram, to get the jack in the right place and the right way round.

Then once you’ve got the jack in place, undo the wheelnuts with the car still on the ground. If you jack it up – the wheel will rotate and the jerking action can cause the jack to come off. So undo the nuts with a half turn, then jack the car up.

OR - You can see how tricky this all is and it is not the kind of activity that everyone enjoys. Your hands and clothes can get very dirty, not to mention the odd cuts and bruises. Best leave it to the AA & RAC men.

They have these new fabulous inflatable cushions that they put under your car and, yes you guessed, they inflate them. The car goes up and is as safe as can be. Like a baby in a cradle. Better still, you, your passengers and your AA or RAC man are in no danger.

Let the Breakdown man get on with what he's doing and you can take a short walk to the nearest bar, shop or garage. Once there you should be able to purchase lots of sweets, crisps, fizzy drinks and ice cream, before returning to your car. By which time, your man will have it all fixed and will be happy to receive a Mars bar, a Fanta and a Cornetto for his trouble. No bother for you, and no bother for him.

9. Once you have taken the wheelnuts off, make sure you put them back on the way they came off, otherwise the wheel doesn’t sit properly. You can watch your man do this, if you want but it's not as tricky or interesting as it sounds.

10. Some cars with alloy wheels have two sets of different bolts. If you put the tyre back but used the wrong bolts, you can damage the wheel hub. Best leave it to someone who knows!

11. People are very eager to learn and ask questions of patrols, so why not ask the professionals when you take your car in for a service. Most will be happy to help. You wil get more co-operation with a carton of fags and a porno mag or give him a tenner in his hand, and you will always be welcome back, trust me!

12. Make sure you know what grade oil you should put in your car. Lots of manufacturers use different grades. There are even different coolants/antifreeze for different makes, so make sure you have the correct type because once you put the wrong stuff in, you’ve got to drain it off. Far too tricky but do ask the garage to leave you a small can of the right oil, so you can top it up later if you need to and write on the bottle what type, grade or whatever.

13. Make sure the lights are all working and the head lights are clean. In the winter, lights get very muddy and in the summer they get covered in flies. And keep some spare bulbs in the car. Now, this is a good idea. Buy one of those little boxes of lights that gives you one of every bulb you need. Tape the box under one of the front seats to stop the garage mechanics finding it and nicking them.

14. Make sure the screen wash is full and has the correct additive - to stop freezing in winter and help clean in summer. Water on its own will take longer to clean. Add a dash of Screen Wash and a scoosh of washing-up liquid, every time you top up the bottle.

15. Ensure you have a towing eye to fit your vehicle in your toolkit, so that if you do end up in a ditch you can be towed out easily. Remember, if you are the one with the tow rope, you will end up towing everyone else but if you do carry a good tow rope, remember it is great for making an impromptu 'tree rope swing'. Preferably over a raging stream and don't forget your video camera.

16. Finally, make sure you’ve got a torch in the car. The AA and RAC have a self-sufficient, wind-up one available in their online shops. They are particularly useful if you’re stranded and your phone battery’s low, because it has an adaptor that allows you to charge your mobile phone. Again, a good idea. You never know when you are going to need answer the call of nature in the dark but you don't need a 1 million candle power one. It's not X-Files! Its always good to have a spare phone charger about too.

In Summary Transit sic

The RAC and the AA. both say “Once you're familiar with your car, the more confident you will become on the road. So take some time to look round your car, read your handbook and learn basic maintenance,” This is not going to bring them much business, is it?

I say, sign up to a good breakdown service, always carry your phone (with their number on speed dial) and some petty cash for sweets and drinks. Now your only worry is how your going to pass your time, while your waiting on them coming. So, remember to carry your iPod!