WoW! Is the Beach Full or are they just pleased to see us?

"The Jenkinson Beach in New York sure looks full but then it's stll New York"
Jenkinson’s Beach, down the shore in New Jersey, gets crowded, so arrive early.

Boardwalks in summer have a way of dismantling people’s inhibitions, with their heady doses of sugar, heat, carnival game taunts and frothy drinks.

So it is in Point Pleasant Beach, N.J., where, with a spin on the Super Himalaya and a little bumper-car action, the day can reach high kitsch. Day-trippers who venture away from the Boardwalk won’t be disappointed either; the downtown has been spruced up in recent years.

NYC refuses to name Subway Station after Michael Jackson

Who's bad?

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA), for refusing to honour Michael Jackson at a Downtown Brooklyn subway station, a local politician says.

The Gloved One rocked the bustling Hoyt-Schermerhorn station in 1987 while filming his famous Martin Scorsese-directed "Bad" video there.

Since his June 25 death, City Councilwoman Letitia James has been trying to convince the agency to rename or co-name the station in Jackson's honour, but to no avail.

James (D-Brooklyn) said Metropolitan Transportation Authority officials even told her to "beat it," when she asked to hang a plaque at the station in honour of the late King of Pop.

She's a NY gal and she's not giving up. She plans to organise a petition drive to pressure the agency into reconsidering.

Letitia said; "Having Michael Jackson visit and moonwalk at this station was a huge deal not only for Brooklyn, but all of New York in the '80s, and renaming this station in his honour would put it on the map and help ensure that people don't forget."

The acclaimed 16-minute Scorsese-Jackson video is more of a short film and also features a young Wesley Snipes in one of his early acting roles before he became a Hollywood star.

NYC Says Cola, Soda & Fizzy Drinks Makes you Fat: Its All Sugar

A New York City Health Spokesperson says:

I have a feeling that this could have a pretty potent effect. The ads are dramatic. People are sensitized already to the downsides of sugary beverages.

There are several reasons for that. The science on the issue is rock-solid, showing that sugary beverages are associated with bad health outcomes: obesity, diabetes, and, one recent study shows, heart disease.

Second, the work we’ve been doing suggesting a tax on sugary beverages — whether it happens or not — sure has generated a lot of visibility and attention. And the third thing is all the hubbub all over the country about getting rid of sugar in schools.

Close Encounters in Glasgow Traffic

Honk! If your feeling happy!

Close encounters
THIS year's Glasgow Doors Open Day programme lists the Traffic Control Centre which will have an "exhibition of the new bus information system that tracks buses from outer space and gives them priority at traffic signals".

So, we're looking forward to seeing the buses driven by little green men whizzing by. Beep-a-dee Beep!

Old and blue and borrowed
READER Julie Loughrey in New Lanark tells us: "My husband was giving away the bride at a friend's wedding. As she got in the car, she panicked and said she had forgotten something blue'. So he gave her his bus pass which she popped down the front of her wedding dress. Hope it brings her lots of luck."

If not then at least she'll be able to get home to her mother's without trouble!

Bedding in
EXPATRIATE Tom Laurenson was recording a jazz concert by Seattle band Billet-Deux in the beautiful Meerket Gardens on Whidbey Island, north of Seattle. Between numbers, the band's cellist paid tribute to the gardens, adding that he did not know a lot about horticulture other than "You can take a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

Arachno-Androphobia - the fear of Spiderman

If Coulrophobia is the fear of Clowns and Ichthyophobia is the fear of fish, is Coulro-Ichthyophobia - the fear of Clown fish?

If Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders and Androphobia is the few of Men, is Arachno-Androphobia - the fear of Spiderman?

MoD Firing Blanks, Mainly! Cheap Shots!

"Hey! Come on! Hurry up! It's your round!"

pa.press.net

The lucky Soldiers who are not being deployed to Afghanistan are having to train with blank rounds because it is cheaper and they have to spend more time on their WiiWar Training, and virtual killing, allegedly.

WiiWar Training?
The Ministry of Defence (MoD) said the "ever-improving quality" of computer simulation had reduced the need for live fire exercises for some units.

Unfortunately, this last move may actually bring more 'gamers' into the army and just getting them fit to get off their asses and walk, let alone run, is going to add to the overheads, I would surmise.

Bang! Bang! Your dead!
Fall Down you horrible little man!

The ban on live ammunition will also affect the entire Territorial Army (TA) and a number of non-frontline regular army units (admin, catering and house-cleaning?), which is not a bad thing, really. I think it is very wise not to give the TA live ammo to 'play' with. Personally I wouldn't give them a pointed stick to use in case they poked each other's eyes out.

Battle Plan - Strategic
This recent move is the result of a £700m cutback in spending, needed to 'run' the Army in the UK. Although, it does give you some idea as to how many 'live' rounds they fire at wooden targets, sand bags and the odd stupid rabbit that strays into to the 'killing' zone.

No Cheap Shots?
Each live round for the standard issue service rifle, the SA80, costs about 30p, while a blank one costs 10p. It seems crazy to try and simulate 'battle conditions' without live ammunition. The soldiers will just ignore the loud noises around them and do what they want. Maybe we should give them the 'occasional' live round, just to keep them 'alert' and motivated.

NB - 'Battle conditions' are the circumstances when soldiers are in simulated active service and practicing battle maneuvres. 'Bottle conditions' is when they are in the local pub afterwards.

Alternative tactics
The Army could consider;

• Reduce the number of 'live' rounds in each clip by 25%, 30%, 50%, providing realistic conditions but directly saving 25 - 50% on ammo.
  
• Bullet 'sponsorship'. This has already been done in the past and is still popular in most war conditions. In the past in Europe, it was mainly Austria and Switzerland, allegedly. Now it's a triumph of equal opportunity, open to most countries, especially if you have access to rich natural resources, allegedly.
• A 'Bring your own ammo to the battle' campaign. This is very popular in the US, apparently. Where the average citizen has more ammo stored in his house than Germany, allegedly.
• 'Pay as u Go' ammunition charges. On a 'shoot or return' basis. This is a good incentive to 'shoot less and be more accurate with the shots you use' allegedly.
  
• Replacing the 'slug' end of the bullet with a cheap plastic or alloy replica which will not have the penetration of a bullet but will 'sting a bit' (in a manly way) when you are hit.
• Make more use of the 'Fun Fair' and 'Carnival' sharp-shooting stalls, when they come around or establish a resident one, funded by an external 'off-road' entertainment service provider like Barnum and Bailey, etc.
  
• Make more effort to find a peaceful settlement and live in harmonic co-operation with our neighbours. Yeah! but that's just crazy talk!
  

Is It one of those new miniature or compact Japanese Cats?

Where do you put the Batteries?

Are Consultants taking Prosthetics Seriously enough?

Who ate all the Pies? We have our Suspicions!

1 in 24 children have access to Steroids!

In a Spate of Balloon Thefts a Child has been Charged

Edinburgh Festival: Record Breaking Cat Juggler held for questioning

Why do we Stifle the Creativity of Children

"Daddy said we could help him!"

Bunny Girl Imposter Exposed at Bunny Gathering

Virgin Space and Virgin Condoms Collaborate over Re-entry Vehicle

Russian Shuttle meets with Launch Failure: Crew Safe

Blind Dates: Pigs will Fly

Naturalists Attempt to Encourage Bees to Breed

Blind Dates: Fallen Angels and Loss of Critical Part

Eddie Izzard on his Cumbria stage of Marathon running around the UK

Blind Dates: Spiderman's Girl finds out the Truth

'I've been seeing someone on the fly', he confesses.

'Now I see you as you truly are' she sobs.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.....

Only Fools and Horses Budget Cuts: It will not affect the Quality of Stunts

Genetically modified Sunflowers: Carnivorous side-effects

Testing with live Bait continues!

Pampers Crash Test Dummies

Pampers Crash Test Dummies in ownership clash over new Velcro products!

If you are wrestling with a difficult issue, then sometimes its best to just 'hold your own'

Dolly speaks out against genetic cloning

Dolly says, "You can't pull the wool over me. We just don't see 'Aye' to 'eye' on this one!"

Zen cycle park concept examined

'Even Buddhists need somewhere to park their cycles!'

'Right, just stay there until I get my rake and create a nice wave pattern around you but I think some of the other applicants had more 'adaptable' and stronger 'gripping' buttocks!'

The Men Who Stare at Goats; Arrives

Reporter Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor) is looking for his next big story when he meets Lyn Cassady (George Clooney), a special forces agent who claims to be a part of New Earth Army, a classified government program whose goal is to use paranormal powers to end war.

Determined to prove the truth of Cassady's claim, he joins the military man in his mission to find the program's founder Bill Django (Jeff Bridges). When the pair tracks Django to a clandestine training camp run by renegade psychic Larry Hooper (Kevin 'spaced-out' Spacey), the reporter is trapped in the middle of a grudge match between the forces of Django's New Earth Army and Hooper's personal militia of super soldiers.

To survive in this wild adventure, Wilton will have to outwit an enemy he never thought possible. Presenting a quirky and dark comedy, "The Men Who Stare at Goats" is based on true events recounted in Jon Ronson's book.

How bad can it be?

Carrie Ann Carries out a Spay and Neuter Campaign

Carrie Ann Inaba holds onto her cat Shadow – and shows off some leg – in a new campaign for PETA aimed to raise awareness about spaying and neutering pets.

The ad, which will be featured on 100 billboards across Los Angeles, shows the 'Dancing with the Stars' judge posing with her pussy pal next to the line "Don't Miss a Step – Spay or Neuter Today!".

Apply online for further updates and contact information about Sam (The Bam's - Simple) Simon Foundation, a free spay-and-neuter clinic in LA.

"First of all, it's really important to spay and neuter your pets because there are so many, and we are not sure what's causing it!" Inaba says in a video posted on PETA's Web site. "What's so sad is people are breeding them (to be fair, sometimes they do it themselves), and then we're putting them to sleep ... so I think that it's really important to stop it at the beginning."

She is also considering supplying contraceptive stations at dog parks, with the slogan, 'Wrap it up - Stop a pup!'

To be aware, PETA does not take enquiries from disgruntled husband and wives wanting to spay and neuter their partners or their neighbours.

Nasal Douche or Nostril Purging: Does it help against allergies?

I am no expert but I am confident that some allergy drugs work, but they all seem to come with horrid side effects; ranging from nasal irritation, dry mouth to pre-traumatic drowsiness.

They are not cheap either. That's why many folks are attracted to a special home remedy known as the nasal douche; rinsing, washing or irrigation.

The Concept: The Douche Device

First you have to find a suitable ' douche' or rinsing device. Perhaps an old spray bottle, bulb syringe, pulsing device or "neti pot," all sold in stores or online. Here's a big tip; don't use anything from the garage, garden shed or even from under the kitchen sink. Why not? you ask. Just let me say, caustic solutions, facial burns and emergency treatment. OK? Not good!

The Salty Solution

Having found a suitable and safe douche device, fill it with water and a 'mild' solution of salt and baking soda. These have an antiseptic effect on the body, but only if they are used in weak solutions. Otherwise there is a loud fizzing noise and your nose starts to froth and sting.

Implementation

This is the messy bit, so best to lean over the sink or sit in the shower, and flush one nostril, then the other. Mucus is cleared, and irritants, including pollen, are washed away. If you do sit in the shower do not be tempted to use the full force of the showerhead to douche your nostrils, as this may result in water coming out of your ears and eye sockets.

Does it help?

Can we try this at home? Yes, we say it's cheap and it's safe, but the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology (or AAAAI), say it's less effective than the most effective drugs. Well they would, wouldn't they?

The AAAAI group warned that some nasal irritation is possible, if this procedure is not carried out by a sane person, or if you use pot scrubbers up your nose. If there is a risk of this, then please, consult with your doctor, life coach or a trained certifiable psychiatrist.

Shamen you?

Shaman (singular) or Shamen (plural) are also good people to talk to about this because they have great experience with inserting things in bodily orifices, of all kind. Admiitedly there is a limited number of those, normally. If you don't believe me and have nothing better to do with you're life, then sit down and count them. On second thought, perhaps it's better if you stand and do it, in case you miss one or two.

Full instructions and a recipe are at aaaai.org/patients/publicedmat/sinusitis/rinse.stm.

Google Earth Reveals Loch Ness Monster: Nessie

Hey! Why the long Face?
A security guard browsing the internet has identified an image he believes could be that of the Loch Ness Monster.

Jason Cooke, a 25-year-old from Nottingham, told the Sun that he spotted 'Nessie' while using the satellite mapping website Google Earth.

"I couldn't believe it," he said. "It's just like the descriptions of Nessie."

When magnified, the aerial view of Loch Ness appears to show what could be a large sea creature swimming beneath the surface of the water.

On hearing of Cooke's 'discovery', researcher Adrian Shine (very bright?) of the Loch Ness Project said: "This is really intriguing. It needs further study." 'The loch is 30 miles long and we will look into it!'

The Loch Ness Monster was first named as such by the Inverness Courier in 1933. The newspaper reported George Spicer and his wife watching "the nearest approach to a dragon or pre-historic animal that I have ever seen in my life" cross the path of their car with a smaller animal in its mouth.

The image can be seen by entering coordinates Latitude 57°12'52.13"N, Longitude 4°34'14.16"W in Google Earth.

Buddhist Monk Pulls car with Hair

Zen What?

Chinese Buddhist kung fu master Zhang Tingting (Is that your ringtone?) chose to keep her long hair, despite her desire to become a Bhuddist nun. She had her reasons.

She wanted to practice her 'pulling power'. We all know how that feels but this is different.

Fifty-two-year-old Zhang, who took up martial arts training at the age of 17, claims her hair is instilled with the power of kung fu, giving it the agility to slice through sheets of paper, and the strength to support huge weights.

For two years, Zhang, whose Buddhist name is Shi Deyu (pronounced: 'She'd ha'e you', with an implied and unspoken 'nae bother'), has lived the life of a nun, but keeping her hair has meant she has been denied official recognition. So, she is not licenced to preach or bless you, but she can wish you well.

She wanted to change that - but not before one last feat, with her hair. A kind of 'hairy feat'.

On the streets of her native Kaifeng city in China's central Henan province, Zhang towed eight cars - each weighing over a ton - attached to her plaited locks.

Then, in the company of monks, nuns, and the local abbot, (Hey Abbot!) she finally underwent her initiation as a nun and had her metre-long hair chopped off for good (it will grow back?).

She also passed over the opportunity for sponsorship by 'Head & Shoulders' and other hair conditioning products.

Zhang said she was happy to sacrifice her hair for the life she had been longing for. Bless!

Cellphone Art: Rob Pettit

According to Rob Pettit, "We've become a technology-dependent generation. Take a look at communication for example. What used to be simple smoke signals used by our cavemen ancestors have grown to alphabets, letters, telegraphs, and now telecommunication."


Mobile phones used to be a fad, now it has become a commodity. With human culture leaning more towards globalization and a fast paced lifestyle, mobile phones will become a more prominent part of our existence.

One only has to take a look at the steady influx of latest mobile phones to see how much this trend has developed through the years.


As a creator of avant garde art, Rob Pettit has seized the opportunity to create a picture showing how much we've become entangled with technology, in this case mobile phones.


To do this, he has taken mobile phones as a medium and a central theme of many of his artworks. His gallery showcases these. Feel free to have a look and see if he has successfully delivered a poignant message.

Holiday Breakdown Blues

Maintenance, maintenance, maintenance, etc!

It sounds like a stuck record, but keeping your car in tip-top condition is essential all-year round; even more so if, like many other people in the current climate, you’re keeping your current car for longer.

Don’t let the end of the icy season lull you into a false sense of security. Properly inflated tyres and regular checks on oil and screen wash levels are as important now as ever. Wiper blades need checking for wear and tear, too but do this when they are off and it's not raining. Make it easy for yourself.

Summer windscreens are magnets for dust, bird crap and squashed insects and dirty windscreens can make summer glare even worse.

Also, you may be using the air conditioning more, so check that it’s set correctly. Ask th epenquins sitting in th eback.

With long, hot summer drives to come, topping up the engine coolant could save you from an unscheduled holiday stop-off: an uncomfortable spell on the hard shoulder.

Breaking down can be a major headache, especially with excited or tired kids in the car, hopefully they are yours.

Holiday driving
One of the main differences between driving in summer and at any other time of year is the length of the journeys we make. Holiday trips can be long and tiring. Not to mention slow, noisy and boring.

To ensure a road trip with the family goes smoothly, advance preparation is key. For example, plan your route in advance and always carry; ear plugs, an MP3 player or anything at all you can stick in your ears to induce silence.

Give us a break!
Don’t forget to take regular breaks and make sure the kids have plenty to keep them occupied. Nothing is as distracting on a long drive as a cacophony of screaming from the back seat! Try playing the running from service station to service station game.

Take toys and games, but leave the kitchen sink at home. But, don’t overload the car, leave that up to your partner and the kids.

Remember to keep plenty of road between you and the car in front, that's if you can see it in the bright sun. Your stopping distance will be longer when the car is full of suitcases, picnic hampers and used (undisposable) nappies.

It’s a sad truth that the longer the journey, the more chance you have of getting caught in congestion, once or ten times. Careful planning can reduce the risk, but take something to eat and drink, just in case but always keep the empty bottles for emergency 'fill-ups' later when the loos can't be found.

Wear and glare
There’s been precious little evidence of it in the last couple of years, but British summers can apparently be hot(-ish!). A warm sun shining through the windscreen can make you feel tired and sleepy, so again, the best advice is to take regular breaks, and to avoid eating large and heavy meals (cause you can;t afford them anyway) just before a long journey or during a driving break.

Remember, too, that low afternoon and evening sun can glare through the windscreen. If it does, slow down, stay well behind the car in front and take extra care.

It’s also best to avoid filling your fuel tank to the brim in hot weather (as if you could afford too). Like all liquids, petrol expands when it heats up, and may seep out of the tank if it’s too full. Not sure if this applies to childrens' bladders but I think it does.

Driving abroad
Finally, you may be planning to drive on the continent this summer. If you plan to tour Europe it’s well worth getting up to speed before you go with the driving rules and requirements of the country you’re visiting.

Breaking down in a country where few people speak your language and being left stranded is most people’s idea of a nightmare!

English-speaking incident managers are available 24 hours a day and your local breakdown and recovery service will arrange to either; have your car fixed by the side of the road (fat chance!) or tow you to the nearest garage. It will even repatriate you and up to seven passengers to the UK if necessary (the cost of fixing the car in Europe is more than it's worth!).

Regular marijuana usage robs men of sexual highs

Stoners may be trading sexual highs for the chemical kind. Males who smoke marijuana daily are four times more likely to have trouble reaching orgasm than men who don't inhale, finds a new study of 8,656 Aussies. If anyone should know then it must be the Aussies!

Other smokers had the opposite problem, experiencing premature ejaculation at nearly three times the rate of non-smokers, find a team led by Marian Pitts at La Trobe University in Melbourne.

Her team analysed data collected as part of a 2005 telephone survey of 16 to 64-year-olds. Overall, 8.7 per cent of respondents said they had gotten high in the last year, with twice as many men (11.2 per cent) admitting to marijuana use as women (6.1 per cent). People under 36 were more likely to smoke marijuana than older participants.

Even though many male smokers experienced sexual problems, they reported more partners than non-smokers. Marijuana users were twice as likely to have had two or more sex partners in the previous year than men who didn't smoke pot, but then they could have imagined the whole thing.

When asked if they smoked after sex, 10% said they were hot but normally just smoldered a bit.

New York Bronx: Fish Mosaic

South America: Woman Arrested for Demonstrating Excess Dimples in Public

Classic Ceiling: Queen's Boudoir View

'So,' says Zeus 'What do the folk around here do for hobbies then?'

Chinese Troops Practice Insurgent techniques

This one is saying 'Oh my gosh! Have we strayed into Korea by mistake. I am terribly sorry!'

Unusual Things Found on the Moon: Googled

If you could hear the sound of the human voice, it would sound something like this;

I can see my bunker from here! I knew I should have bought a return ticket!

What is that annoying tune you guys keep whistling! Is it Lily Allan?

Come on Guys! I've purged the organically created Methane from my spacesuit
you can let me back in again!

Thank you! Verrry verry much! The king has left the Moon!

Temptation: It comes to us all and leaves us gasping

Dr Fisher as a child recalls his first interest in underwater dentistry!

Edinburgh Festival: Scottish Summer Better than Predicted

Breaking Bad News better

Yes! I am afraid you are right. You were adopted!

GPS Satellite Tracking System Flawed

MY GPS Tracking System located the Satellite just in time.
In fact I think I can see it from here!

Also: Holistic Doctor's drastic cure for constipation comes under severe criticism!

Also: Bungee jumper is stranded after fairground accused of using excessively strong elastic ropes!

Recruitment Head-hunting Strategy Takes a Bizarre Twist

If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs....

......and blaming it on you, then you don't have all the facts.

Monkey Love Dove: Dove Love Monkey

Q: What can I give you my love? A: World Peace!

Yes! It's very moving but we all know it'll never work out...
otherwise, the world would be full of flying monkeys!

Holistic Dentistry Criticised

Dr Fisher prefers the action of small fish flossing his teeth to that of harsh chemicals and brushes but says you should not try this if you have a sneezing problem!

...or if you can't tell your Piranha from your store bought Trivalley (farmed in Wales)

...or if you don't like the taste of ants' eggs toothpaste and kelp mouthwash!

It is also unfortunate that he has to flood his surgery every day!

.....and rinse and spit!

Cash for Clunkers Scheme goes wrong

Rio Carnival Struck by AIDS & Alzheimer's disease

A spokesperson for the Rio Carnival said; "If you are concerned whether your partner has Aids or Alzheimer's then simply follow this procedure. Take them into the centre of the city and if they can find their way back to your house, don't screw with them!"

UK Fim Studios Cramped for Space

Here you can see the adverts interrupting a scene from Pride & Prejudice