Sunday, February 9, 2014

Rebel Jam Donut!

Came close to a Rhob Gilbert breakdown in Greggs yesterday when I asked for 4 jam donuts. She gave me 3 in a packet marked £1 and said the 4th one would cost 45p extra! Nearly 50% more! '

Why, is it that? Is it some sort of extrovert Che Guevara, rebellious adventurer donut that will not be constrained or bound by modern day restrictions on its confectionery freedoms?

OR Is it of a superior consistency that makes it a Lord above other ordinary jam donuts, forming part of a class-oriented hierarchy of sweet baked products that emulate the UK's outdated elitist-driven anti-democratic system?

OR ... I had more...but. Through the red mist I could see the assistants eyes had become more glazed over than her mediocre pastries and the other customers had shrunk back, forming a huddle in the corner, reaching for their imaginary Mace cans in their fake Gucci shoppers.

I stopped myself. 'Great! Never mind I'll take it.' and left. I wanted these jam donuts for a coffee morning being held at the Gallery.

They said they would give me coffee and I said I would bring donuts and apple pie, in a reciprocal, bartering kinda way.

Otherwise i would not have been near the dreaded Greggs, its sullen staff and the marauding flock off seagulls that gather and forage outside!

Needless to say the Gallery was shut cos the guy had decided he couldn't be arsed to get out of his bed that day! Artists! Bakers! Donuts! Bah!

I had also bought an apple pie from another homemade, in-bred baker, with the intention of trading it for coffee. Let the coffee flow!

Unfortunately, all I got was hell when I took it home cos I had foolishly brought an inferior product into the household of a superior apple pie baker! The choice was to eat it or wear it.

The result was that my partner promptly baked an additional 2 apple pies to prove that she produced a better quality product. Now we have 3 apple pies that we didn't need.

Later that day I was in Lidls Kelso and discovered that their mediocre jam donuts are only 29p! I was forbidden to ask an assistant or engage in gasping conversation with other shoppers about this.

I was compelled to calm myself by handling their soft fruit in a grumbling and furtive manner whilst consuming a handful of loosely salted peanuts, spitting out any bits of shell or hard material in the general direction of the CCTV cameras that were following me around.

Thus, I took on the mantle of the average Lidls Kelso shopper. Some days conforming is the alternative to winning. Nom, nom, nom!