Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Glorious Insults as an Art Form - Quotations

GLORIOUS INSULTS

These glorious insults use words from an era prior to the English language becoming what it has become today :

  • "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

  • "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

  • "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

  • "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

  • "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

  • "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

  • "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

  • "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

  • "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

  • "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyran

  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

  • "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

  • "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts....... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  • "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Monday, September 29, 2014

A Delicate Corporate Affair











All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a sternvoice,
asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my
secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Witty lines about ambiguity and idiosyncrasies of the English language

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of the english language

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Creationist joke and the main basis of their argument)

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Creepy paedo joke going around the BBC?)

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. Is there another word for synonym?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

10. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

11. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12. How is it possible to have a civil war?

13. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

16. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? (only available in the usa)

17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

18. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

19. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? (Yes, cos insurance companies don't pay out! Also in multiple deity societies do you have to specify in the claim which God performed the destructive act?)

20. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind? (The signs are Marmite scented, allegedly. Also, I was once invited to a deaf persons disco night! They really did get the vibes!)

21. Can deaf people suffer from Synesthesia? (One for the geeks!)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Steven Wright, the erudite comic: Some good lines

Steven Wright, the famous erudite comic once said: 'I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.'

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,.. but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Skinny Dipping


Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,"We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.



Wednesday, June 18, 2014