Thursday, January 29, 2015

Things Kids say!

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his maths  homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first year teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ....! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Children Are Quick

Children  Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I  got here.
TEACHER: John, why  are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You  told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn,  how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one  important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie,  give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,  Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the  ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know  why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still  had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon ,  tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No  sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is  exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same  dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do  you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Glorious Insults as an Art Form - Quotations


These glorious insults use words from an era prior to the English language becoming what it has become today :

  • "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

  • "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

  • "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

  • "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

  • "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

  • "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

  • "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

  • "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

  • "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

  • "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyran

  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

  • "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

  • "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts....... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  • "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Monday, September 29, 2014

A Delicate Corporate Affair

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a sternvoice,
asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Witty lines about ambiguity and idiosyncrasies of the English language

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of the english language

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Creationist joke and the main basis of their argument)

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Creepy paedo joke going around the BBC?)

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. Is there another word for synonym?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

10. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

11. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12. How is it possible to have a civil war?

13. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

16. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? (only available in the usa)

17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

18. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

19. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? (Yes, cos insurance companies don't pay out! Also in multiple deity societies do you have to specify in the claim which God performed the destructive act?)

20. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind? (The signs are Marmite scented, allegedly. Also, I was once invited to a deaf persons disco night! They really did get the vibes!)

21. Can deaf people suffer from Synesthesia? (One for the geeks!)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Steven Wright, the erudite comic: Some good lines

Steven Wright, the famous erudite comic once said: 'I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.'

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,.. but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?