Friday, November 7, 2014

Children Are Quick

Children  Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I  got here.
TEACHER: John, why  are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You  told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn,  how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one  important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie,  give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,  Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the  ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know  why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still  had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon ,  tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No  sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is  exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same  dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do  you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Glorious Insults as an Art Form - Quotations


These glorious insults use words from an era prior to the English language becoming what it has become today :

  • "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

  • "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

  • "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

  • "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

  • "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

  • "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

  • "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

  • "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

  • "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

  • "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyran

  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

  • "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

  • "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts....... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  • "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Monday, September 29, 2014

A Delicate Corporate Affair

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a sternvoice,
asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Witty lines about ambiguity and idiosyncrasies of the English language

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of the english language

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Creationist joke and the main basis of their argument)

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Creepy paedo joke going around the BBC?)

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. Is there another word for synonym?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

10. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

11. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12. How is it possible to have a civil war?

13. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

16. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? (only available in the usa)

17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

18. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

19. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? (Yes, cos insurance companies don't pay out! Also in multiple deity societies do you have to specify in the claim which God performed the destructive act?)

20. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind? (The signs are Marmite scented, allegedly. Also, I was once invited to a deaf persons disco night! They really did get the vibes!)

21. Can deaf people suffer from Synesthesia? (One for the geeks!)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Steven Wright, the erudite comic: Some good lines

Steven Wright, the famous erudite comic once said: 'I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.'

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,.. but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Skinny Dipping

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,"We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

It's important to have priorities in life - Photos

It's important to have priorities in life.

It's important to have priorities in life.

As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved,
winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my f-ing bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Dark Side Of Women...

The Dark Side Of Women...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Awful Puns

I tried to catch some Fog but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I wondered why the frisbee looked bigger the closer it got? Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Things to do on a long weekend

Surprise your boss!

Go to the splash park!

Try out your Partout skills at the mall!

Give the kids an authentic space training ride!

Dance with your kids!

Go karting!

Learn to break dance!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Surgeons at work

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Old Men, Hunters, babies and beavers

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride wh o is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Yorkshire has an accent

The county of Yorkshire in the UK has, like many regions in the UK and Canada, its own distinct dialect /accent. They often speak in a clipped and staccato manner, which is not always understood by the passing visitor but does often amuse.

Below are 3 examples of humourous anecdotes exposing the eccentricity of this dialect /accent.

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Golf Ringer

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Ariel Sharon ... we can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result of the match.

"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Ariel Sharon?!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

On the Ladies Tee!

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Pete was beginning his pre shot routine.

As he was visualizing his upcoming shot, a voice came over the loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Pete was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Pete had had enough.

He yelled, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

The wisdom of Groucho Marx - Video

Scottish Golf, Whisky and long life

Scottish Golf and Whisky...

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

"In fact he golfed wie me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Friday, March 7, 2014

CIA Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!!! The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

 Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun was loaded with blanks she said, I had to kill him with the chair!

Thought Train - Cartoon

Gently Mosquito - Cartoon

The White Rabbit - cartoon

Kink in the hose

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Rebel Jam Donut!

Came close to a Rhob Gilbert breakdown in Greggs yesterday when I asked for 4 jam donuts. She gave me 3 in a packet marked £1 and said the 4th one would cost 45p extra! Nearly 50% more! '

Why, is it that? Is it some sort of extrovert Che Guevara, rebellious adventurer donut that will not be constrained or bound by modern day restrictions on its confectionery freedoms?

OR Is it of a superior consistency that makes it a Lord above other ordinary jam donuts, forming part of a class-oriented hierarchy of sweet baked products that emulate the UK's outdated elitist-driven anti-democratic system?

OR ... I had more...but. Through the red mist I could see the assistants eyes had become more glazed over than her mediocre pastries and the other customers had shrunk back, forming a huddle in the corner, reaching for their imaginary Mace cans in their fake Gucci shoppers.

I stopped myself. 'Great! Never mind I'll take it.' and left. I wanted these jam donuts for a coffee morning being held at the Gallery.

They said they would give me coffee and I said I would bring donuts and apple pie, in a reciprocal, bartering kinda way.

Otherwise i would not have been near the dreaded Greggs, its sullen staff and the marauding flock off seagulls that gather and forage outside!

Needless to say the Gallery was shut cos the guy had decided he couldn't be arsed to get out of his bed that day! Artists! Bakers! Donuts! Bah!

I had also bought an apple pie from another homemade, in-bred baker, with the intention of trading it for coffee. Let the coffee flow!

Unfortunately, all I got was hell when I took it home cos I had foolishly brought an inferior product into the household of a superior apple pie baker! The choice was to eat it or wear it.

The result was that my partner promptly baked an additional 2 apple pies to prove that she produced a better quality product. Now we have 3 apple pies that we didn't need.

Later that day I was in Lidls Kelso and discovered that their mediocre jam donuts are only 29p! I was forbidden to ask an assistant or engage in gasping conversation with other shoppers about this.

I was compelled to calm myself by handling their soft fruit in a grumbling and furtive manner whilst consuming a handful of loosely salted peanuts, spitting out any bits of shell or hard material in the general direction of the CCTV cameras that were following me around.

Thus, I took on the mantle of the average Lidls Kelso shopper. Some days conforming is the alternative to winning. Nom, nom, nom!