Friday, December 30, 2011

Can I Back a Horse in Here!

'.....but I'm a Horse Trainer!'

Irish traveller Joe Purcell has form when it comes to taking his pony to unusual places. The pair had previously been spotted together in a pub and at a hospital.

Purcell took things one step further when he attempted to board a train at Wrexham General station with his equine pal as bemused staff and passengers looked on.

OAPs and High Risk Behaviours!


Prince Harry other car!


Luxury Autos? Not for Pink!


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Jesus Toast everytime

We've seen apparitions of Jesus on inanimate objects such as pieces of toast before, but this toaster ensures that every slice of toast features a burnt impression of Christ.

The product is the brainchild of Galen Diveley, founder of Burnt Impressions.

The Vermont-based firm has been deluged with orders in the seasonal period.

Galen explains on his website (www.burntimpressions.com): "The response to our toasters this Christmas season has been awesome! I was a short order cook but I have never been swamped this way before.

Your interest in our toasters has brought thousands of orders to our barn in a matter of days. We have called in family and friends who are working around the clock to process this mountain of toasters."
Picture: Rex Features

Young Ruler Measures up!


The Clintons


Sunday, December 18, 2011

Harmless Weapons


What House would be like if it were actually realistic


An iPhone that supports flash


The moral of the story


Choosing a Bride


Streaming Video


That’s the last time we hire two architects


Modern Santa


Funny sign of the day - Danger!


Beware of the force

Click on the picture

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Old Scottish Golfer - Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Baptising a Glaswegian

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

iPhone, iPad, iPod, etc


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dilbert cartoon: Skype


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Friday, November 25, 2011

Dilbert cartoon - Wally on meetings


Inflation!


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Pass the hairdryer!


Saturday, November 19, 2011

MAD: A Few Minutes With Someone Funnier Than You: Al Jaffee - YouTube


A few minutes with Mad Magazine's Al Jaffee


Purchase at: http://www.chroniclebooks.com/the-mad-fold-in-collection.html

Al Jaffee's fold-ins, on the inside back cover of virtually every issue of MAD Magazine since 1964, have become an icon of American humor.

Generations have grown up with Jaffee's inspired skewerings of our foibles and cultural conundrums.

Issue after issue, each Fold-in requires the reader to simply fold the page so that arrow A meets arrow B to reveal the hidden gag image, a simple idea that masks both undeniable artistic ingenuity and comic timing.

In this deluxe four-volume set, each of the 410 fold-ins is reproduced at its original size, with a digital representation of the corresponding "folded" image on the following page (so collectors won't have to "fold" their book to get the jokes).

Featuring insightful essays by such luminaries as Pixar's Pete Docter and humorist Jules Feiffer, The MAD Fold-In Collection is the definitive gift for the millions of fans who've grown up with MAD for nearly 60 years.

World’s Largest Illusive 3-D Pavement Painting [PHOTOS]

Actors pose with gym equipment on what the Guinness World Records bills as the world's largest 3-D painting at Canary Wharf in London on Thursday.
Source: REUTERS/Paul Hackett.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Blonde going Up on a Down Escalator!



We're cracking up over this very determined shopper at Saks Fifth Avenue, who's desperately attempting to scale an escalator. Gee, what's taking her so long?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Upgrading from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to

Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck

Tech Support

Thursday, November 10, 2011

All Consuming Romance

Click on the pic to see the action!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Romance of Everyday Objects

I like it when we Spoon!


A Toast to US!

Spending Quality time together!

Romantic Entanglement!

Stuck on You!

Film Strips can be Fun!

Delicious evening ahead!

You Always Fall Open at the Sexy Page!

I know it's Late but hold on!

I feel so attracted to you!

You re-light my Fire!

Can't take my die off of you!

We make the perfect Pair!

Breaking up is hard!

Growing old together!

In sickness and in Health!

You are the Wind beneath my Wings!

Don't fly too high but I'll be here if you fall!

Shed your skin!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Aircraft Maintenance Chat Sheets!

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. 


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

(UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident)

  • P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
  • S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    *
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The farmer's tale!

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an IT Consultant", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. ...

Now give me back my effing dog!

Man and Wife

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. You’re beautiful, I love you.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. You’re my headache, one day I'll kill you.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: marriage.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Carnation Milk - Best Slogan Competition winner


Bodybuilder - joke

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a Great chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”

He takes off his trousers and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”

Rubber duckie - YouTube

Monday, October 31, 2011

Life is Scary - YouTube

iPad Horror - Simon Pierro - YouTube



Happy Hallowe'en!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Heidi Klum’s Coloured Hallowe'en Anatomy - video



Heidi Klum is known for going all out for her favourite holiday, Halloween. This year she’s donning a hand-painted anatomical suit by designer Martin Izquierdo when she hosts a Halloween party at TAO Nightclub at the Venetian in Las Vegas.

If you watch the video, she says she wants it to look uber bloody and gory, but right now it looks more like everyone’s favourite anatomy colouring book.

To watch the transformation from Heidi to body click here.

Heidi Samuel (née Klum, born June 1, 1973), better known by her birth name Heidi Klum, is a German-American model, actress, television host, businesswoman, fashion designer, television producer, and occasional singer.

In 2008 she became an American citizen while maintaining her native German citizenship. She is married to English musician Seal with whom she shares the legal last name, Samuel.

Online dating: What not to say!

You turn up for a first date. You like what you see, you’re feeling the body language… and then their mouth spills out a stream of passion-killing nonsense.

Here are some utterances that you really don’t want to hear on a first date.

1. “You look just like my older brother/sister.”

What, like an older version of yourself, but with middle-aged spread and controlling tendencies? Charmed.

2. “Don't take this the wrong way, but...”

These words tagged onto the front of a sentence mean: “I am about to insult you, and if you take it badly, it’s your fault.”

3. Any sentence in which they get your name wrong.

A blow too far for even the sturdiest dating ego.

4. “I love New York. We should definitely go there one day.”

Good to hear that someone likes you, not so good to hear them planning out your joint future when there’s still froth on your first pint.

5. “My mum would love you.”

Yeah that’s nice. ‘Bye.

6. “Not for me, I’m on the wagon.”

It’s honest and worthy of your date to admit that they’re a recovering alcoholic, but you didn’t want to hear it on a first date. Especially just before you order the double vodka that you’ve been looking forward to all day.

7. “No thanks, I’m too fat already.”


If they feel moved to say this on a first date, imagine how much they’ll bellyache about it once you’re seeing each other. Too much like hard work.

8. “Look at that baby! Aw ickle wickle schweeet.”

They’re just after your chromosomes.

9. Them answering their mobile.

You’ve had a drink and a chat, you’re now enjoying a romantic dinner, and it’s all going brilliantly – until their phone rings, and they answer it. Tell me, how invisible do you feel?

10. “The necklace? It was from my ex.”

They might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says: “I may be dating you, but I cry into my pillow about my ex every night.”

11. “What are you thinking about?”

No-one wants to be asked this question without warning, especially on a first date. It’s impossible to answer honestly, because you’re probably thinking about the itch on your foot or the weird hinge on the table.

12. “Oh sorry, I forgot my purse.”

They’ll only think to say this when the bill comes, of course. Run for the hills, and take your wallet with you.

13. “My therapist said…”

Did you meet them at your support group? That’s OK then.

14. “You don’t watch soaps, do you?”

It’s not nice to have your tastes criticised, especially by someone you’ve only known for 20 minutes. Such comments deserve a glass of wine in the face.

15. “Waiter? Get me your manager, I’m reporting you.”

Being rude to a waiter or barman is one of the rudest and most embarrassing things a date can do to you. Get your own back by running off with the waiter.

16. “Come onnn, it’s only midnight! I know this great little place…”

Sadly, this companion has not mastered the art of leaving you wanting more.

Online dating mistakes: Eating!

Dating is a road fraught with potential disasters. Here are a choice few… and tips on how to avoid them.

Case 1: Chopstick horror
“A guy I was dating took me to a really up-market Chinese restaurant in London. When the food arrived I noticed there was no cutlery just chopsticks. I’m not good with those at the best of times but was too embarrassed to ask for a fork so I thought I’d just muddle through."

"Big mistake! In one ill-fated big pincer movement I managed to catapult my wonton dumpling into a bowl of fish soup belonging to the woman sat at the next table along. She was wearing white and was not impressed. The shame!”

NB: It’s better to swallow your pride and ask for a fork than to spend the meal terrified that you’re going to make an idiot of yourself. Most restaurants will happily oblige and it could save you a large dry cleaning bill.

Case 2: Clockwatching
“I’m 32 and went on a blind date with a guy in his forties. We seemed to be hitting it off pretty well but then out of the blue he blurted out “Aren’t you worried about your biological clock. If you’re going to have kids, you don’t want to waste any time. Tick tock, tick tock.”

"I couldn’t believe it. How rude to assume that all any woman wants to do is have kids. How would he have liked it if I said “Aren’t you worried about finding a life partner before losing all your hair?” Grrrr! We didn’t’ see each other again. ”

NB: Of course you can’t predict or control what comes out of your date’s mouth but you can ensure that you’re not the one making inappropriate comments. It is never okay to ask a woman of any age a question like that.

Case 3: Boy scout doubt
“My friend Stewart arranged to meet a girl he’d been chatting to online. His dating profile is a picture of himself in full ski-gear including bobble hat and goggles taken from a distance. He also may have lied slightly about his height."

"He noticed an attractive blonde woman scouting her way around the bar trying to work out which was her date. She eventually came over to him and said ‘If you’re Stewart? I’m afraid I don’t think this is going to work out.’ And promptly left!”

NB: Both parties are at fault here. The first rule of online dating is not to lie on your profile especially about fundamental things such as age and height. Profile pictures should also be close up and not enhanced or obscured in any way.

Also, when dating you should abide by the rule book and do as you would be done by. Even though Stewart was not what his date had anticipated he deserved the courtesy of at least one drink together.

Case 4: One too many
“I could tell my date was drunk when we met. She was slurring her words and reeked of booze. She confessed that she had been really nervous about meeting me and had a quick few drinks before meeting up. She did seem really nice though and I thought it was quite sweet she was nervous."

"We decide to go to a restaurant as I figured food might help her sober up a bit. After ordering she promptly excused herself and disappeared to the toilets. She was gone for so long I figured she’d probably done a runner and comforted myself by eating both our starters."

"Eventually one of the waitresses came over to ask if I was the boyfriend of the girl being sick in the toilets. It was awkward, but I had to go in there, hold her hair back while she chucked her guts up and then clean her up and put her in a cab home. I never heard from her again. A shame really as I could tell that behind the drunkenness was probably a very nice girl.”

NB: Alcohol before a date is a terrible idea. If you must drink to steady your nerves stick to one drink and alternate between alcoholic and non alcoholic beverages.

Case 5: Spaghetti malfunction
“I made the classic malfunction as a teenager of ordering spaghetti on a date. A dish that it’s impossible to eat looking even remotely elegant whilst eating and I was wearing a white top and managed to splash sauce all over it too.”

NB: No matter how tempted, try to order food that’s easy to eat. Dates are nerve-wracking enough without adding to the stress with food that’s tricky to manoeuvre.

Online dating safety tips: Don't give it away, too soon!

Habits, traits and behaviours that could be repelling potential matches and hampering your chances of finding love.

Revealing your romantic agenda too early
Seeming overly eager to pin down the ins and outs of the relationship after only a couple of dates, can be especially off-putting - particularly for men who generally prefer to take things slower. You may be in a rush to fall in love, settle down and have babies, but having the “Where is this going?” talk before you’ve had a proper chance to get to know each other is foolhardy and practically guaranteed to scare off any potential mates. Be prepared to give it some time before broaching this delicate subject.

Being stingy
It’s never prudent to live beyond your means and go on dates to clubs, bars, restaurants and other venues you can’t afford but picking the cheapest place and then producing a 2 for 1 voucher deal (especially on a first date) is a definite no-no. Sure you might save a tenner but it’ll cost you in the long run. Do you really want your date to think you’re a cheap skate? The man is usually expected to pick up the bill, but that doesn’t mean that ladies shouldn’t at least offer to pay or go halves. Avoid being seen as someone who never puts their hand in their pocket to pay for anything. Never let your date to feel as though they’re being taken advantage of financially.

Seeming too independent

Now here’s a funny one. Have you ever considered that you might seem so damn together that you’re way too intimidating to approach? Prospective partners could be feeling challenged by your all-round success and fabulousness. If you earn your own money, have your own place, drive your own car and live what seems a very full life they probably can’t see how or where they’d fit into your life. So it’s up to you to show them that you still have room for a fulfilling and lasting relationship too. That means letting them see your vulnerable side from time to time.

Bad body language
If you’re guilty of not making eye contact, hunching your shoulders and having your head bowed, you’re giving off all the wrong signals to a prospective mate. Your body language is literally screaming “I’m shy, nervous and awkward and really don’t’ want to be here.” Even if that’s how you’re feeling on the inside, it’s possible to trick yourself in to behaving and feeling more confident. First up smile and make eye contact. Secondly, draw those shoulders back and lift your chin. See, you look more confident already. Remember to breathe.

Always being late
Nobody is going to mind too much if you’re a few minutes late once in a while because of a missed bus or other unavoidable mishap, but recurrent lateness is likely to annoy your anyone you’ve been seeing for a while. Not being able to get it together to just be somewhere on time reveals a host of negative qualities that most people would prefer to avoid. Firstly it shows a lack of organisational skills and secondly it shows a lack of regard for the person whose time it is you’re wasting. So either buy a watch and get it together or risk letting Mr/Miss Perfect slip through your fingers. The choice is yours.

Not listening
You may have a lot to say and be keen to talk about yourself as much as possible in order to convey everything there is to know about you in as much detail as possible as soon as possible. But remember it’s important to ask questions and listen too. Not many people enjoy one-sided conversations where they’re forced to just sit and listen to another person bang on and on and on and on and on. If you want the relationship to work, take a break from all the “me me me” anecdotes and allow your date to tell you about themselves too. You might learn something.

Don't fart in Harrods.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

The Motoring Traffic Signs


Hungry Canibal joke


A cannibal was walking through the jungle

And came upon a restaurant operated by a

Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $12.50

+Baked Politician $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Friday, October 28, 2011

Rent A Mob