Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Apple iPad versus a Stone


Saturday, February 18, 2012

Words of Wisdom

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.


If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

You Get what you Ordered


A new fuel tanker arrives on location somewhere in the Middle East. The HSE manager tells the fleet supervisor to ensure that the tanker is clearly labeled "Diesel Fuel" and "No Smoking" in Arabic.

 This is what he got...............

The Pain and Pleasure of Golf

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd only allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.

She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

True Stories of Dumb service

These are true stories taken from local papers.

IDIOT No 1.
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!


IDIOT No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Happened in Moor Park , near Watford


IDIOT No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign
from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.


IDIOT No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.


IDIOT No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Easyjet, Luton Airport .


IDIOT No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)


IDIOT No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

His reply: 'I know. I've already done that side..'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

Jokes: Funny One-liners

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when your wife is pregnant!
Terror is when your girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both or either!


Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it!


Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow
You have to do it again with same perfection.


Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.


The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!


This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan .......
We stare because we care!


The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hilarious Radio Phone -in Mistakes

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread .. . .
Contestant: Er .. .......
Richard: He makes cakes .. . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific..


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again..
Caller: Er ........... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line.. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood: got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish!
Presenter: That's close enough.



STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

'Does my Head look big in this?'

Members of the King's Troop Royal Horse Artillery prepare for an inspection on the parade ground of their barracks in St John's Wood before departing to fire a 41 gun salute in Hyde Park to mark the 60 anniversary of the accession of Queen Elizabeth II in London, England.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Children say the funniest things

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a humanbecause even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

**********************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

***************************************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

****************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*****************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."

**********************************************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

***********************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Doreen's Story - YouTube



I had the extraordinary privilege of interviewing this incredible lady. I hope you find her story as moving and as inspirational as I did.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Guys - important dating tip for St Valentine's Day


Guys - important dating tip for St Valentine's Day...this is NOT a good idea...

Friday, February 3, 2012

Ryanair Payback

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint ofdraught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed overhis money."Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said thebarman.

"And we are serving free pints every Wednesday eveningfrom 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland""That is remarkable value" Michael comments"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.That will be 3 euro please."O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

He took his drink and walked towards a seat."Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please "Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir "O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought yourlaptop with you" added the barman.

"And since that wasn't pre-bookedeither, that will be another 3 euro."O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink onthe counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to themanager"."Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that willbe 2 euro please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage."Do you know who I am?""Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,""I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drinkand you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second

""I will never use this bar again""OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Space Radiation Doomed Russian Mars Probe That Crashed: Reports | Russian Phobos-Grunt Mission | Mars Missions & Space Failures |

Space radiation most likely caused the demise of a Russian Mars probe that got stuck in Earth orbit shortly after launch and ultimately crashed back to the surface earlier this month, Russia's Federal Space Agency chief said today (Jan. 31), according to media reports.

Russian space chief Vladimir Popovkin said that an investigation pointed to cosmic radiation as the likely culprit in the failure of the Phobos-Grunt mission, but also suggested that an imported spacecraft component may not have been adequately hardened for the harsh radiation environment in space, reported the Associated Press.

"Two components of the onboard computer system were spontaneously rebooted and it switched into a standby mode," Popovkin said in a televised remark, according to the Russian news service Ria Novosti. "The most likely reason [for the glitch] is the impact of heavy charged space particles."

Russia's Phobos-Grunt space probe malfunctioned shortly after its November 2011 launch, preventing it from continuing on toward Mars.

Dog Vet