Blind Dates: Do they work? Part 1

OK, let's talk about the Why, What and How of Blind Dates.

From the picture you can see that some unplanned blind dates are going to end in disappointment. Too much is hidden and guarded. Too many questions are left unanswered. (One guy is wearing corduroy! Yuck! and both could do with a short beating from the 'style stick')

Why Blind Dates?
There are probably as many reasons why people would take such a leap of faith, as there are people in the world but they should reduce down to a simple few. (the reasons not the people) At the most fundamental level, all people want love & intimacy, friendship, companionship and the security of belonging.

Anyone who has been to Coatbridge (or watched sport and football) will know that we humans are tribal. We not only need to feel loved, loveable and attractive but we want to form close /intimate relationships. We want to participate in life's fun and exciting activities. We want to feel alive, accomplished, good about ourselves. We need to be included and thought of as part of the tribe.

What do we get from Blind Dates?
Well Blind Dates have to meet and match with some of the criteria mentioned above. It is a big role for one activity to play, and maybe you need to reduce your expectations, certainly in the short term and take a more long term approach.

Clearly, a blind date is a thrilling and exciting event, full of possibility and expectation but the excitement should not spill over into anxiety and stress. If this happens, then the chance of you enjoying the experience is greatly reduced. Feeling at ease in these situations will come with practice and experience, so persevere.

Let's make-up and be friends!
Accountants and first impressions count! If you are startled by your date's appearance. Try to resist the urge to scream and run! This may trigger their 'chase' response. Use small talk to diffuse the situation. Ask "Do you normally wear a bell to warn people, when you are out in public" or 'You know Hallowe'en is over? You can take that comic mask off now!"

Dating is certainly a great opportunity to pay yourself some much needed personal attention. Get your hair done (if you still have any, if not buy a good toupee. No, you cannot hire one from the theatrical costumiers). Dress up (nice). You are going to meet new people with similar interests (you hope) and you will be in a socially secure gathering, surrounded by supportive friends or potential witnesses.

DMZs and Neutral ground
It is always better to meet new people in a group setting, its less stressful and confronting. It should also be in a public place to reduce the 'territorial' effect that one party may feel. This feeling of entering someone else's territory will heighten their feeling of alienation, reduce their confidence and will do nothing to meet their need for and sense of, belonging.

Observe the 'give and take' protocol of normal conversation, until you both start to relax and find common ground. If the two of you hit it off straight away (unlikely), then you can arrange to break from the group for some 'alone' time (No, keep your clothes on, it's too soon for that). If you have put in some effort on both sides and really don't get on, then you can politely withdraw into the crowd or feign the rapid onset of madness.

How do we go about getting a Blind Date?
Your friends have been trying to set you up for years but you have been fighting it but don't despair, there are other sources of suitable matchmakers. Well the biggest source of Blind Dates now is the internet. You can easily and quickly contact and chat away to people from all over the world, without anxiety, confrontation and with complete control over when and how long you want to be communicating. If its not working out then it is easy to 'disconnect'.

The downside and difficulty is the anonymity of the internet (you don't know who you are talking to - man, woman or child) and the lack of valuable 'visual' information that you get from a good ol' fashioned face-to-face meeting.

Non-verbal communications
80% of our communications is non-verbal, so remember that on-line chat is only a small part of it. If all is going well, then the next step is to arrange to talk on the phone. That way your ears get involved in the process and they have good sensing abilities, when applied appropriately.

Delayed gratification takes more time
Taking the careful and rational path is OK for some but this slow process of 'exploring' and 'revealing' may not appeal to everyone. It is certainly safer in some ways and can be less stressful to the cautious suitor but you may be more spontaneous. That's OK! if you are willing to take the risk and suffer the blows, emotional outbursts and disappointments that may quickly follow.

Building a relationship is like building anything, it needs good foundations, it takes time and effort on both sides. On the positive side, you can always hedge your bets and keep a number of dialogues going at the same time, with very little chance of the others knowing about it. Purely in the name of research, of course. You rascal you!