Good Humoured; Mainly Scottish

Trog's advice: Never drink Dirty Martinis on an empty stomach.

Freakin' Happy Meal anyone?

Do you want Paracetemol with that Trog?

***********************

A Kronick illness
READER Elaine Morgan in Ottawa, Canada, tells us: "I'm being sent to see a lung specialist named Dr Kronick. "I was really hoping to see his colleague, Dr Itll-pass-ina-few-days."

The Artist's Dilemma (Truth or Interpretation)
A couple in Portugal were having their nightly stroll, enjoying the buskers and street entertainers. One local was sketching portraits, and as he was studying the face of his next customer, admittedly not the bonniest, an unmistakable Glasgow accent came from the chap standing behind him studying the canvas who loudly announced: "He's got his work cut out there."

Resigned to the Fall
A READER tells us he was attending a fracture clinic where he got into conversation with a chap having his leg plastered, or 'put in a stookie', in Glasgow speak. The man said he was a former window cleaner.

Our reader asked him when he'd given up the job, which allowed the chap to give his prepared answer: "Halfway down."

Men and their Ball Games
TALKING of the Open, Ronnie Kelly in Oban heard BBC commentator Wayne Grady remark about how cold it can be on links courses, and that in the old days Ken Brown used to warm his balls up in hot water before he went out to play.

"Surely," says Ronnie, "a pair of thermal long-johns would do the same job?"

...and also
Colin Adams of Radio Clyde, had to censor a recorded feature on learning to play squash. Says Colin: "The instructor began, You may have noticed that when I came on court, you couldn't see my balls'.

"Indeed, the eager young reporter had not. Nor it seems, was he surprised by the explanation,

You never play squash with cold balls, so I had them tucked under my armpit'.

"Good trick if you can do it! Would love to see his warm up routine"

Printing money
A customer came in at the weekend who wanted a shirt printed for his wife who had recently been to New York with friends on a shopping trip, and had brought back a hefty credit card bill.

He asked for a shirt with the usual "I love NY" on the front, and on the back "Veni, Vidi, Visa" roughly translated as "I came, I saw, I spent".

Pluck of the Irish
ALSO abroad, but on business not holidays, was the Wishaw lorry driver who was approached at the queue in France for the Channel ferry by a character waving a fistful of Euros, offered in return for allowing illegal immigrants to slip aboard his trailer.

Our man told him to beat it, but at that an Irish driver walked up, took the money, and undid the ties on the canvas sides of the truck next to the Wishaw driver, and the waiting travellers eagerly jumped aboard.

The Irishman then pocketed the money and jumped in the cab of his lorry - which was much further down the queue from the one he undid.

Then there were four
ONE way of trying to make money is to register domain names on the internet in the hope that they will become valuable in the future.

We are equally appalled, yet admiring of the fact that the day after singer Michael Jackson died, someone registered the site http://www.thejacksonfour.co.uk/. There is still time to register; the Jackson Three, Two and One, allegedly.